Off Topic The Rep Brothel

  • Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
  • Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!
A Scot, walking through a field, sees a man using his hand as a scoop to drink water from a pond.

The Scot calls out to the man, "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sïlan de chacbo."



(Translation: Don't drink that water. It's full of cowshit!)



The man shouts back, "I'm English! Can't you speak English! Are you completely ignorant, you arsehole?!"

The Scot calls back, "Use both hands. You'll get more."
 
  • Like
Reactions: J. J. McClure
The CEO of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,

"Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."

Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance and for this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news.....

The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We've lost the Hovis Account."
 
  • Like
Reactions: J. J. McClure and Busy Being Headhunted
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
 
  • Like
Reactions: J. J. McClure
Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up
his barbeque on the shore of Nord Lake and
cook a venison steak.

All of Ole's neighbours were Catholic... and
since it was Lent, they were forbidden from
eating meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison
steaks wafted over the neighbourhood and
was causing such a problem for the Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested
that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Ole
attended Mass.... and as the priest sprinkled
holy water over him, he said, "You were born
a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran but now you
are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbours were relieved, until Friday
night arrived and the wonderful aroma of
grilled venison filled the neighbourhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the
neighbours and he rushed over to Ole's place
clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy
water which he carefully sprinkled over the
grilling meat and chanted:
"You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer,
but now you is a rainbow trout
 
  • Like
Reactions: J. J. McClure and Busy Being Headhunted
kiwiqpr said:
Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up
his barbeque on the shore of Nord Lake and
cook a venison steak.

All of Ole's neighbours were Catholic... and
since it was Lent, they were forbidden from
eating meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison
steaks wafted over the neighbourhood and
was causing such a problem for the Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested
that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Ole
attended Mass.... and as the priest sprinkled
holy water over him, he said, "You were born
a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran but now you
are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbours were relieved, until Friday
night arrived and the wonderful aroma of
grilled venison filled the neighbourhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the
neighbours and he rushed over to Ole's place
clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy
water which he carefully sprinkled over the
grilling meat and chanted:
"You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer,
but now you is a rainbow trout
Click to expand...

midweekrep<magic>
 
  • Like
Reactions: J. J. McClure and Busy Being Headhunted
Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.
 
When I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
I hate this getting older stuff.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back