A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
Dynamo and Derren Brown walk into a bakery. Dynamo palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Derren, I make donuts disappear at will!" Derren responds, "Not bad, not bad at all." Derren then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, "Of course!" Derren proceeds to ask him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and then eats it as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up. "So where is the magic trick? I gave you 3 donuts already!" Derren responds, "Go check Dynamo's pocket."
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh no!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
Any chance of some Rep lads, after all we did go easy on you today!.................... PS: And what's it like living so close to all those whinging Jocks!...................
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?” He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.” Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward init?” “Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too." Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now" 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?" "No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass.... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.." "Correct." A third glass... ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
During travel in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted *****lian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.” The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.” The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.” The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!” The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.” The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, *****lian VD. Vewy ware disease.” The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way.... no need amputate!” “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. “Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week... fall off by itself!”
