Fairy Liquids new advert has been updated to keep in tune with modern Britain; .........."Mummy why are your hands so soft?".......... .........."Because i'm only 15 now shut the **** up and eat your pot noodle"........
I saw a car bumper sticker today that read: "US Navy Seals 1 - 0 Osama Bin Laden" I can't help but feel that Osama should deserve at least 2 points for 9/11. A bit much???
My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that?
My dear old Mum God rest her, was a life long Sunderland supporter and hated our deluded neighbours more than I do.
Was that what killed her?? Mind you I guess someone has to support you lot. Did she sit in the pub watching the games too or was she part of the rare breed that actually went to the stadium . Also, delusion is all we have. Might as well be champions in something seeing as our trophy cabinet is as dusty and unused as Margaret Thatchers fanny!!
Mick goes into the brothel and asks the girl on the counter, "what have you got for a fiver?" The girl said "the only thing we have for five pounds is to go through the blue door, go along the corridor and take your pick at the end" Mick says "ok" and hands over his last £5. He goes through the door, goes along the corridor, and comes to 2 doors. Above one is "Blondes", and above the other its "Brunettes". "I really fancy a blonde" he says excitedly. He goes though and goes along an even longer corridor. At the end theres another 2 doors. Above one is "Big Tits", and above the other is "Little Tits". "OOOh I just fancy a bit pair of bouncing boobies", so he goes through the "Big Tits" door. At the other side is an even longer corridor, which he goes along, comes to 2 more doors, above one is "Thick C*nts" and the other is "Thin C*nts". Phaowwww I really fancy a big bushy c*nt!!!. So Mick goes through the "Thick ****s" door, and .................................... Ends up back in the alley. I'll get me coat. Lol Bart.
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
A bloke from barnsley goes into a jewellers. He says, Can tha mek a gold statue o mi dog? Jeweller replies. Aye reckon i can lad, does tha want it eighteen carat? The bloke replies, Nay ya daft twat i want it chewin a bone.
A blind Mackem enters a Geordie pub by mistake. He finds his way to the bar and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the landlord: "Hey, you wanna hear a joke about the Geordies?" The pub falls absolutely silent. The lad next to him says: "Before yer tell us yer joke bonnie lad, there's a few things yer shud knaa: 1 - The landlord is a Geordie. 2 - The booncer is a Geordie. 3 - I'm a 6ft 6in taall, 220-poond Geordie with a black belt in kerartee. 4 - The lad sitting next to us is a Geordie, and is a pro weightlifta. 5 - The lad to your reet is a Geordie, and is a pro wrestla. Noo, think aboot it seriously, marra. Do you still wanna tell yer Geordie joke?" The Mackem thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares: Nah...not if Ah'm gonna have to explain it five times like.
Wayne rooney has used Colleens pubic hair for his hair transplant. Apparently the success rate is a much higher if transplanted from one c*nt to another
