Joles

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A really ugly bloke is sat at a bar watching a young couple over in the corner. She is stunningly sexy, like an American porn star. Te guy is young, rugged & muscular, like some male model.
Ugly guy says to the barman, "bet ya £200 I can chat that bird up over there & walkout of here right now with her on my arm".
"**** off, you've not a chance" says the barman.
"Are we on then?" says mr ugly.
"Aye, ok, we'll put the cash on the bar now, ok?"
So they both put £200 on the bar.
Mr ugly go's over to the couple & within seconds, the girl gets up, kisses him deeply, waves goodbye to her hunk & they make to leave, stopping only to collect the £400 lying on the bar top. Mr ugly winks at the barman before leaving with the girl saying all the things she wanted him to do to her.
Stunned to say the least, the barman has to find out what went on.
He go's over to mt hunk who is now in tears.
"What in Gods name happened there mate?", he asks.
"Everything was going fine untill that ugly bastard came over & started licking his eyebrows."
 
MackemsRule said:
No mention of our the neighbours from hell yet?

Allow me. :)


53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please".

To loud applause Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance".

So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and
scream..................


"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Click to expand...

<laugh><laugh><laugh> <applause><applause><applause>
 
Husband walks in & says " I've been so busy i dont know if I'm comin or going!" wife says "by the look on your face, your going....Because when your cumin you look like a ****in stroke victim tryin to whistle!
 
I watched intently as the "other " woman slowly peeled off my girlfriends panties, and stared closely as she delicately inserted her fingers into my girlfriends pussy. Naturally, I undid my trousers and started ****ing.... midwives, eh? Got no ****ing sense of humour at all!
 
Paddy and Mick talking in the pub, Mick says 'you are a ****, you've always been a **** and you always will be a ****, everything about you makes you a ****, an utter **** and complete ****. In fact if you entered a **** competition you'd come 2nd'
Paddy says 'why wouldn't I come first?'
Mick replies '...because you're a ****...'
 
A scouser goes on Dragons Den and shows them an old shotgun and gamekeepers pouch. Peter Jones says "And what's your idea?" The Scouser replies "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the ****ing bag"
 
magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his tricks spoilt by the ships parrot, every time he does a trick the parrot shouts "its in his pocket , 4 of clubs , its got a false bottom ! The magician ****ing hates it, that night the ship sinks and him and the parrott cling to a piece of drift wood, for four days the parrott says **** all just stares at him . . On the fifth day the parrott says "ok i ****ing give up wheres the ship?
 
Wor lass just rang to say Gavin from Autoglass has just been and injected his resin into her crack. I'm not normally suspicious, but I've got the ****ing car!!!
 
Walking home form the pub last night i saw an old guy about 80 years of age sitting on the ground crying his eyes out

Being a caring guy i asked him if he was ok and what his problem was

" I have only being married for 4 weeks to a beautifull looking model 25 years of age
She lets me go out every night
She has my supper ready when i get home
She wants me to make love to her every night and every morning

So whats the problem i asked him

" I forgot where the ****ing hell i live he says
 
The other day I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack, and went up to the lake district. . Walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee. Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I..........
Sorry, i'm rambling
 
I went to see a phsycic last weekend and she told me that i would be coming into money. Last night i shagged a girl called Penny..... ****ing spooky or what.
 
mitchthemakem said:
Walking home form the pub last night i saw an old guy about 80 years of age sitting on the ground crying his eyes out

Being a caring guy i asked him if he was ok and what his problem was

" I have only being married for 4 weeks to a beautifull looking model 25 years of age
She lets me go out every night
She has my supper ready when i get home
She wants me to make love to her every night and every morning

So whats the problem i asked him

" I forgot where the ****ing hell i live he says
Click to expand...

<laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><applause><applause><applause><applause>
 
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