Most Shocking Jokes 2

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A little old lady wanders into a sex shop, and tentatively approaches the guy on the desk, he asks her how he could help and she replies that she wants a dildo, the sales assistant trying hard not to be shocked shows her the wall displaying all manner of sex aids and tells her to take her time and shout him when she has chosen the right one for her, minutes later the old lady calls the assistant back over and tells him she has chosen one, the sales assistant then asks her to point out her choice, her eyes wide with excitement she points to a red one on the wall, the sales assistant replies "sorry madam, thats the fire extinguisher !"
 
I used to work in a shoe recycling factory. It was sole destroying.

Hitler: dead
Mussolini: dead

I think Di Canio has got off quite lightly.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a canoe? A canoe tips occasionally.
 
Helen Flanagan spots a shepard leading his flock across a field. She asks him if she can have one of his sheep if she can guess the amount in his flock. The shepard agrees and Helen guesses 27, which is the correct answer. The shepard keeps to his word and Helen duly takes the one she wants. The shepard stops, smirks and says "If I can guess who you played in Coronation Street can I have my sheepdog back?"
 
3 crack fuelled hookers agree to meet at the zoo and see who finds it easiest to **** an elephant.
1st hooker came out of the enclosure crying stating he'd completely ruined her fadge.
2nd hooker came out walking very gingerly but said she just about took his length.
3rd hooker came out and said "well the s*x was fine but it didn't half sting when he fingered me.
 
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid ****ing duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
 
A Buddhist Monk approaches a hotdog vendor on 5th Avenue

"I'd like a hotdog please" says the monk

"What would you like in it, garnish, mustard, ketchup, pickles, fried onions?" replies the vendor

"I'll have one with everything"

"That'll be 5 bucks please, Sir.."

The Monk hands him a 20 dollar bill.. the vendor goes about the stall seemingly ignoring the monk who is waiting patiently..

After a long pause, the Monk pipes up.. "What about my change?"

The vendor replies "Change comes only from within.."
 
A vicar walks into a hotel reception to check in.
As he's filling in the register, he enquires to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled!"
To which the receptionist replies, "No! It's just normal porn, you sick bastard!!"
 
Helen Clarke The P.M ov NUW ZEELAND is rudely awoken @ 4am by the phone

Hillen, It's the Hilth Munister here, Sorry to bovver you at this hour, but there is an Emergency, I've just recieved word from the Dinger factory that It has burned to the ground.

It is estimated that the intire New Zulland supply of Johnny's- will b gone by the end of the week.

(P.M) "Shut- the economy will nevva b able to cope with all those unwanted babies.- will b ruined."

Hilth Munister " Wer'e gunna hef to shup some in fram abroad...Brutain?..."
P.M "No chance!! The poms wull have a field day on thus one.!."

Hilth Munister. " What about AUSTRALIA?!!"
P.M." Maybe but we don't want them to know we are stuck
Hilth Munister." You call Tony Abbott- tell hum we need one moolion johnny's; ten enches long & 8 enches thuck!. That way they'll kno how bug us kiwis are.!.

Helen calls Tony, who agrees to help out in their time of need. Three days later a plane arrives in the city of Auckland.- full o boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds Dingers 10 enches long & 8 enches thuck. All coloured Green & Gold.

She notices in small writing on each and ivery one.

MADE IN AUSTRLIA - SIZE - MEDIUM..
 
A girl goes to the docs and explains that she's getting married the following week, and as she is still a virgin she would like a little info on the subject of sex. The doc says "What exactly would you like to know?"
"Well, for a start, what is the long dangly thing called between a mans legs?" she asked.
Bemused by her obvious total lack of knowledge he replied "Well that is the mans penis"
"Oh I see, THAT'S the penis, okay, and what is the name of the bulbous thing on the end of it?"
The doc is getting really intrigued now..."Well my dear, I wouldn't really trouble yourself with all these names, but just out of interest it is called the glans but most people would know it as the 'Bobbies Helmet'"
"Oh, okay, but what are those two hairy round things about 15" from the glans called?"
Startled, the doc replies "15 inches, are you sure?" she says "Oh yes, why?"
He says "Well, I hope for your sake my darling, they're the cheeks of his arse!"
 
just seen a hedgehog and a rat having a fight out in the back garden, i thought the rat had won but the hedgehog got it on points !
 
I was stood the other day wondering, "why does an object appear larger the closer it gets?" ...... and then it hit me
 
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