Off Topic OT: Getting paid for...(**** thread)

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Bring Back the Snails>

  • Bring back the snails

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A1 <ok>

[video=youtube;EbCsIKI6HEU]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=EbCsIKI6HEU[/video]
 
If you don't move your bowels two or three times a day, the odds are excellent you're suffering from chronic constipation. Taking a dump, crapping, ****ting, having a bowel movement. Using the toilet for a number two goes by a variety of names, but how exactly does one "drop the Cosby's off at the pool?"
Modern people eat on the run and have terrible dumping habits. But don't worry my friend, you can have the cleanest colon in your neighborhood. This instructional will teach you all you need to know about the elegant and proper technique of taking a dump.



First Things First

So, you've just eaten a large meal, probably some dark meat and beans, perhaps some broccoli. You feel a pressing in your bowels, and you know deep in your seat that it's finally time. Where do you go? That's step one. Locating a bathroom.

In a restaurant there would be signs up, directing you to the nearest toilet - or you could ask one of those waiters or waitresses. In your own home, you should already know the location of your bathroom. If you don't, then you pretty much deserve to **** your pants.
Once you have located a bathroom we move on to step number two in taking a number two!

Now, you're in the bathroom. If it is a public toilet, go immediately to the large stall marked "Handicapped" (with a picture of a stickman sitting on a circle). You may not be handicapped, but those bastards get an extra wide stall and it is ALWAYS cleaner. If you are at home, there should only be one toilet in a single bathroom... unless, of course, you're American.

Once you're in a private space, lift the lid of the toilet, but not the seat. Never lift the seat and try to sit down, it isn't pleasant. In a public bathroom, make sure the seat is DOWN, and also get a handful of toilet paper to wipe the seat off with. Public toilets are dark, dirty, danky, and dangerous places, filled with scum and alliterations. Maybe Joe Schweaty was on that seat just before you walked in. You do not... I repeat, DO NOT want to sit on a seat covered in butt sweat with a bunch of ass pubes stuck all over it like a ****ing teddy bear.
After completing that step you can sit down!

The proper position for fast fecal movement.
First, let down your trousers and boxers... or pants if you're, again, Bluff. Then, place your backside on the seat. Be prepared for a cold seat, keeping your legs together. Make sure to keep your knees higher than your hips, lean forward and put your elbows on your knees, bulge out your abdomen, straighten your spine, and don't clench! This will spread your buttcheeks for full openness. Remember, it is always important to smile when pooping. Enjoy your time on the crapper. Read the newspaper, go on facebook, or call your mom to tell her what a big boy you are!

There are varying theories on the best way to procede through this process. The best one to use is the "Slight Push" method. Gently, but firmly ease out the poo, helping it slightly to leave your system by using the muscles in your rectum. Gross, we know, but this speeds up the process and does not feel as weird as a long, slow one. You can use your finger to help ease the poo out.
Keep making a small effort until it is all gone, as it will take a few attempts to get it all out. Man, were you full of crap!

Wiping Essentials
At home, you should use your hand (when not occupied), or if someone else's hand is available, use that. If you insist on using toilet paper, then use at least two squares with the width folded in half. Gently wipe your bunghole clean, repeating a few times if necessary, and then drop the paper below you into the bowl. Some of the newer toilets have sprays so you dont even have to wipe (lazy).

Get up, pull your boxers back up and spray some good stuff in the air like Oust, or Glade... Congratulations, you just took your first dump!


A famous quote :

&#8220;Once a fool. Twice a master.&#8221;
~ Jesus on Wiping Your Ass
 
[video=youtube;HFzTm6fy_zs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFzTm6fy_zs&feature=player_embedded#t=58[/video]
 
Skylarker* said:
If you don't move your bowels two or three times a day, the odds are excellent you're suffering from chronic constipation. Taking a dump, crapping, ****ting, having a bowel movement. Using the toilet for a number two goes by a variety of names, but how exactly does one "drop the Cosby's off at the pool?"
Modern people eat on the run and have terrible dumping habits. But don't worry my friend, you can have the cleanest colon in your neighborhood. This instructional will teach you all you need to know about the elegant and proper technique of taking a dump.



First Things First

So, you've just eaten a large meal, probably some dark meat and beans, perhaps some broccoli. You feel a pressing in your bowels, and you know deep in your seat that it's finally time. Where do you go? That's step one. Locating a bathroom.

In a restaurant there would be signs up, directing you to the nearest toilet - or you could ask one of those waiters or waitresses. In your own home, you should already know the location of your bathroom. If you don't, then you pretty much deserve to **** your pants.
Once you have located a bathroom we move on to step number two in taking a number two!

Now, you're in the bathroom. If it is a public toilet, go immediately to the large stall marked "Handicapped" (with a picture of a stickman sitting on a circle). You may not be handicapped, but those bastards get an extra wide stall and it is ALWAYS cleaner. If you are at home, there should only be one toilet in a single bathroom... unless, of course, you're American.

Once you're in a private space, lift the lid of the toilet, but not the seat. Never lift the seat and try to sit down, it isn't pleasant. In a public bathroom, make sure the seat is DOWN, and also get a handful of toilet paper to wipe the seat off with. Public toilets are dark, dirty, danky, and dangerous places, filled with scum and alliterations. Maybe Joe Schweaty was on that seat just before you walked in. You do not... I repeat, DO NOT want to sit on a seat covered in butt sweat with a bunch of ass pubes stuck all over it like a ****ing teddy bear.
After completing that step you can sit down!

The proper position for fast fecal movement.
First, let down your trousers and boxers... or pants if you're, again, Bluff. Then, place your backside on the seat. Be prepared for a cold seat, keeping your legs together. Make sure to keep your knees higher than your hips, lean forward and put your elbows on your knees, bulge out your abdomen, straighten your spine, and don't clench! This will spread your buttcheeks for full openness. Remember, it is always important to smile when pooping. Enjoy your time on the crapper. Read the newspaper, go on facebook, or call your mom to tell her what a big boy you are!

There are varying theories on the best way to procede through this process. The best one to use is the "Slight Push" method. Gently, but firmly ease out the poo, helping it slightly to leave your system by using the muscles in your rectum. Gross, we know, but this speeds up the process and does not feel as weird as a long, slow one. You can use your finger to help ease the poo out.
Keep making a small effort until it is all gone, as it will take a few attempts to get it all out. Man, were you full of crap!

Wiping Essentials
At home, you should use your hand (when not occupied), or if someone else's hand is available, use that. If you insist on using toilet paper, then use at least two squares with the width folded in half. Gently wipe your bunghole clean, repeating a few times if necessary, and then drop the paper below you into the bowl. Some of the newer toilets have sprays so you dont even have to wipe (lazy).

Get up, pull your boxers back up and spray some good stuff in the air like Oust, or Glade... Congratulations, you just took your first dump!


A famous quote :

&#8220;Once a fool. Twice a master.&#8221;
~ Jesus on Wiping Your Ass
Click to expand...

Why the **** have I just read all this <doh>
 
Skylarker* said:
Following the technique?

And '****ting' isn't good enough - we need to know more.
Click to expand...

You described my technique anyway. Only criticism of your report I have is you didn't discuss standing or sitting to wipe (got to be the latter) and you could have elaborated on rubbing action too <ok> Some crazy ****ers on here stand and scrunch the paper <doh>

TBH, it was a disappointing **** so I was too ashamed to go into detail. It was more like female droppings <doh>
 
Gerrez said:
You described my technique anyway. Only criticism of your report I have is you didn't discuss standing or sitting to wipe (got to be the latter) and you could have elaborated on rubbing action too <ok> Some crazy ****ers on here stand and scrunch the paper <doh>

TBH, it was a disappointing **** so I was too ashamed to go into detail. It was more like female droppings <doh>
Click to expand...

****ing amateurs <doh>
 
Gerrez said:
You described my technique anyway. Only criticism of your report I have is you didn't discuss standing or sitting to wipe (got to be the latter) and you could have elaborated on rubbing action too <ok> Some crazy ****ers on here stand and scrunch the paper <doh>

TBH, it was a disappointing **** so I was too ashamed to go into detail. It was more like female droppings <doh>
Click to expand...

So back to front or front to back?<laugh>
 
Gerrez said:
So close yet so far. Still, two out of three is good, room for improvement <ok>
Click to expand...

Sitting and wiping is for women <doh>

You can get better angles while standing (leg cocked like a dog) make sure you get in all the nooks n crannies
 
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