Two pieces of string go into a bar. One says "I'll get'm in" and goes to the bar. The barman looks at him and says "You're a piece if string aren't you?" and the piece of string sadly agrees. "Well. I don't serve string in here, bugger off." The piece of string goes back to his mate. "He won't serve us 'cause we're string." "Don't you worry, I'll fix it." says his mate and proceeds to twist himself up a bit and pull out his top into loose strands. He goes to the bar. "Two pints please, landlord." The barman looks at him, 'Haven't I seen you before?" 'No, no," says the string, "Not me.' The landlord, still unconvinced says "Aren't you a piece if string?" "No, no, I'm afraid not". Boom, boom.
Old ones I know, but they still make me chuckle. How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ MALE v FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' MALE PROCEDURE: 1... Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Lower your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Raise window. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Put hand brake on, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN . 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on mobile phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Hand Brake.
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated. ' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down and cried.
That little Johnny's a bugger. I remember when we were in school together, one of the girls had started her first period. The teacher decided to send her home and asked if anyone lived near her whe could see her home. Guess who.....! They two were walking home and Johnny says, "Whtas arong?" ans she says "I can't tell you" "Oh, go on," promps Johnny. So she says she is bleeding. 'G'is a look." says our hero. So the girl lifts her dress and shows him. "Crikey, no wonder, someone's cut your balls off."
The urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is only a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Police in Ireland who have been searching for Shergar since 1983 have a new lead,apparently he's been spotted in Tesco.
Latest transfer news in, David Villa to Aston Villa, Antonio Valencia to Valencia, Nile Ranger to Rangers but Danny sh1ttu has told the media he wants to end his career at Millwall.
So it's fine for people to moan about horse meat in Tesco's burgers, but nobody moans about the camel toes in Primark leggins do they?
Sat here reading the label on these Tesco burgers and it turns out they're fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar.... Sorry
He Said To Me! He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you? He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and fart He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? I said to him ... . They don't have time. He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking? I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends. He said..What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? I said. . ... A widow. He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than singlewomen? I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
You are a little Minx, aren't you. She said to her friend.....Do you wake up grumpy in the morning Her friend said to her..............No, I let him sleep in I got out of the shower and said......How about that, then? She said.........Lets turn the heater on, I didn't realise it was that cold!!
A Met Office warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads. I looked a right twit on the bus this morning.
