Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

ILD OTBC

 

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

ILD OTBC

 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

ILD OTBC

 

If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

ILD OTBC

 

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

ILD OTBC

 

Some days you are the dog,* some days you are the tree.

ILD OTBC

 

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

ILD OTBC

 

Good judgment comes from bad experience ...
and most of that comes from bad judgment.

ILD OTBC

 

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

ILD OTBC

 

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

ILD OTBC

 

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

ILOD OTBC

 

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

ILD OTBC

 

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ...
then things just keep getting worse.

ILD OTBC

 

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The End

ILD OTBC

 

Personal experience?

 

Woke up in the morning thinking "**** I shouldn't have taken that"!

ILD OTBC

 

A magician was working on a cruise ship, and as the audience was different each week, he could get away with doing the same tricks over and over again.
But there was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how all the tricks worked. Once he’d worked it out, he started shouting out in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one morning the alarms started sounding, the ship was filling up with water and sinking!!!
The magician abandoned ship and found himself on his own in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea!
After a while he dozed off, but was woken up by the frantic flapping of wings! As fate would have it, it was the captain’s parrot; it circled a couple of times then landed exhausted in the boat.
The magician and the parrot glared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word to each other. Days went by; still they didn’t speak until after the 5th day the parrot finally said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the ****ing ship?"

ILD OTBC

 

Said to my wife last night "I'm feeling horny"
She said "I'm sure I can do something about that" giving me a wink.
She started to undress... She was right, I didn't feel horny anymore.

 

Not really a joke, just a hilarious tweet I just saw:

Breaking News: Chelsea fans have signed a one-year extension to remain at the club after being strongly linked to Man City.

 

Brilliant!