A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do? Right says the farmer, in the back of your truck there's a loaded shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling, pull it out and throw it in the hedge. Ok says the farm worker and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in the hedge.So what's the problem now? his Boss snapped. How do I turn off the flashing blue light on his motorbike? ILD OTBC
A woman has been teaching herself to play golf for more than three months and she's still really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro, she explains how bad she is, so he tells her to go ahead and hit a ball. She gives the ball a whack, it goes about 50 yards into the rough slicing to the right. The pro says "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip." When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, hold the club gently, as if you were touching your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing. She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards! The pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well with that grip! But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?" ILD OTBC
This has been doing the rounds, but not sure if anyone has heard it. There is going to be a new law introduced by the FA - anyone seen passing the ball to Andy Carroll will be booked for time wasting.
You know me, Maestro, I don't like to upset our friends with the donkey on their shirt. Did you get my PM by the way?
Dave is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a gorgous woman with perfect breasts. He goes up to her and ask's, would you let me BITE your breasts for £100? Excuse me? are you nuts?! she replies, and keeps walking away. Dave runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000? he asks again. Listen you bloody pervert; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it? So Dave runs around the next block and faces her again, Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for £10,000? She thinks about it for a while.....Hmmmmm, £10,000... Ok, just once, and don't bite too hard, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there. So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as Dave sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them groaning with delight - but not biting them! The woman finally gets annoyed and thinking of the money asks, Well? Are you gonna bite them or not? Nah, says Dave... It costs too much! ILD OTBC
I was having a sneeky piss down the deep end of our local swimming pool yesterday when the life guard saw me and blew his whistle! He blew it so loud i nearly fell in !
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning "Windows frozen" Husband texts back "Pour some lukewarm water over it" Wife texts again "Computer completely ****** now"
Irishman goes to the doctors with burnt ears. Doctor said "How did that happen Paddy?" Paddy replies "Well, I was doing the ironing when the phone rung. You can guess what happened." Doc says "That explains one of your burnt ears, what about the other one?" Paddy replied "I had to phone for an appoinment to see you doc."
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning!" he said. The other man replies, "No, just having a ****." A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her ****ing appendix out!" My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big ****ing red mark on her forehead. A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch." I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled." Unbelievable what some people are into these days. Well, they're not bad as in not funny...but some may find them offensive (bad) - does that count? Unless you dont find them offensive in which case they are not bad at all, unless you don't like them...still with me...!?
The Andy Carroll dolls are being recalled from sale, apparently they collapse under the weight of the price tag. Also they're rubbish in the box! ILD OTBC
