A mother has two sons, Michael and Anthony, but no matter what she says to them, she can't stop them swearing! In desperation she visits her Priest to seek advice! The Priest advises her to use corporal punishment whenever they swear, she says she will heed his advice! Next morning, Michael comes down to breakfast and Mum says, "What would you like for breakfast?" Michael says, "I'll have some ****ing cornflakes!" Mother takes a leather belt and thrashes the life out of him, leaving him in a crumpled heap in the corner! Anthony then walks in and Mother says, "What would YOU like for breakfast?" Anthony says, "Well, I'd be a **** to ask for cornflakes, wouldn't I?"
There was a woman who was a prostitute, but she decided to quit the game and get married to a man she had met. One thing that worried her was the size of her f***y, and whether her new man would notice how big it was. She decided to tell him that she caught it on a fence once, hence it's size. On their wedding night they were in bed, and she asked her husband what he was thinking about. He replied, "I was just wondering how far across the field you were when you before you notice you had caught it".
I pulled this ginger girl. We got naked and she said, "I've never seen one like that before." I said, "That's because this one's erect."
After both suffering from depression for a while, me & the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday...... But strangley enough... once she had killed herself I started to feel a lot better... so I thought.. sod it...soldier on.....
Not really a joke....or is it? Have I got this right? IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER*ILLEGALLY, YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR! IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER*ILLEGALLY, YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY!* IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER*ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT! IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER*ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE JAILED!* IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER*ILLEGALLY, YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN!* IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER*ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY! ** IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY,*YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.* IF YOU ILLEGALLY GET INTO BRITAIN YOU GET; A drivers licence! A job! National insurance card! Welfare! Credit cards! Subsidised rent, or loan to buy a house! Free Education! Free healthcare! Billions of pounds worth of public documents printed in your own language!* The right to carry your countries flag while you protest that you don't get enough respect from the British! In some instances you will also get the right to vote! You are also allowed to attend military parades and scream abuse at our soldiers! I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION! ILD (In hiding) OTBC
I appreciate this was a joke but i'd just like to say they don't get a driving licence they have to sit a test same as anyone only LEGAL EU immigrants can drive on their pre-existing driving licences (you can't be an illegal immigrant as an EU citizen) I'd like to look on it from the PoV that we are not uncivilised barbarians with primitive justice, punitive measures for doing little wrong and the freedom that those soldiers gave their lives to defend, restrictive sexual practices (making being homosexual illegal for example). The jobs available are largely the ones that us "natives" are too damn lazy to do (farm work picking fruit n veg) and if no one does it where does the food come from.... Credit cards? Really??!
We're not falling for that old one Dave. In reply we say "Yours?" and you reply "Thanks, I'll have a whisky".
Q:How do you get a peanut out of you ear? Aour choclate over it and it comes out a treat. Q: Whay aren't there any aspirin in the jungle? A: Because the parrots ate 'em all
Couple having sex; Man says, can you open your legs a bit more? OK says the woman. A few minutes later, man says can you open your legs a bit more? Blimey says the woman OK. A few more minutes pass, and the man asks again, can you open your legs a bit more? For ****s sake says the woman, what are you trying to do.. get your balls in? No says the man, I'm trying to get them out! ILD OTBC
A Penguin walks into a pub, goes up to the bar and asks the barman; Have you seen my Dad? I dunno says the barman, what's he look like? ILD OTBC
Is this any better? Daft Dave was a farm labourer, sixteen, a bit slow but a hard worker. One day he was sitting on a straw bale with the farmer having his lunch. Can I ask you something he asks the farmer. Sure Dave, says the farmer whats on your mind. Well, my willy's been standing up like a flagpole for nearly two weeks, it's a hell of a job to pee and I can't get it to go down! What have you tried asks the farmer. Well, the boys at the youth club told me to stick thorns in it, that didn't work, a man at the shop told me to slam it in the tractor door, all that did was bend the door, the vicar told me to go to church and pray, but it's still there! The farmer, thinking I can have a bit of fun here, says, after work go down to the stables drop your trousers, get a big pile of horse **** in each hand, and slap them both on your willy, that should help things. So about 5 o'clock Daft Dave heads for the stables, pokes around until he finds some really fresh horse ****, drops his trousers gets two big handfuls and is about to slap it on his huge erect willy, when a voice says, what are you doing Dave? Dave looks up to see the farmers eighteen year old daughter watching him, your dad told me to slap this on my willy to make it go down he says. I've got a better idea than that she says eagerly eyeing Dave's huge erection. Lifting up her dress she exposes her fanny, stick it up here she says it will be more fun and I know it will get that to go down. So Dave with his trousers round his ankles waddles over to her, looks her in the eye, and shove both handfuls straight up her twat. ILD OTBC
