I'm going to start this incredibly childish thread by saying cheers to all, Mackems and Mags alike, for some smashing banter, and respectful comments and articles in the run up to the game.
Being exiled, you guys, and the one Mackem I know here (a screaming hot lass, she does my hair) and the handful of Mags here, it's tough being detached from 'our' game.
This article is in no way meant to be serious, and if you are offended by childishness, look away now.
Anyway, enough of the love in, so, we all agree that this derby, on the face of it, is likely to be tighter than a Jew in a pound shop, but what about if they replaced the pitch at the wonderfully named Sports Direct Arena with a weapons free cage, and the lads went toe-to-toe, street fighter style, in a fight to the death series of 1-on-1 battles.
Now, I think we'll all agree that it is unlikely to be implemented into the FA rules anytime soon, and as such we'd probably not get the 3 points for the winner, but it would also be fantastic entertainment.
Try and either a) be unbiased, or b) have an at least mildy amusing reason for your choice.
My picks....
KRUL (NED) vs MIG (BEL) - Well, frankly, the curtain raiser would likely be a bit of a soft entry, 2 rather foppish looking young men (although the handsome Mig has sadly had his boyish good lucks blemished by a multiple early season face fracture), I dare say neither would be the first you'd call if you were having trouble with some local hoodlums.
I see a fight akin to two bears hitting each other with leaves, and a draw, with no injuries accrued....
SIMPSON (ENG) v McLEAN (EIR) - Simple this one, a walkover for McLean (pronounced Mclane, like John in Die Hard...), who wipes out Simpson in half a second.
McLean looks like he could take down a boat quicker than an Italian captain. 1 - 0 Sunderland
COLO (ARG) v SESS (BEN) - An elegant and graceful battle, Colo has the size advantage, but Sessegnon is indestructible. An entertaining draw.
WILLO (ENG) v CAMPBELL (ENG) - Cumbersome Willo comes out with some bick hooks, but quick and nimble ducks, dives, tires him out and knocks him down.
Being such a gent, Englands number 9 helps Willo back to his feet, and gets him a date with a supermodel, and it's 2-0 Sunderland.
SANTON (ITA) v LARSSON (SWE) - Well, Italians are surrender monkeys, and Swedes are lovers, not fighters. Santon takes advantage of the suave Swede arranging his flowing blonde locks, and pounds him in the face with a jar of Dolmio (Extra garlic). 2-1 Sunderland.
TIOTE (CIV) v CATTS (ENG) - The 2 tough guys of the sides, this one turns into an epic hour long grapple, sadly for us Mackems, the strength and stamina of Tiote wins out, crushing Catts from the waist down with a swing of his enormous head. Catts will never walk again....2-2
CABAYE (FRA) v GARDNER (ENG) - Cabaye is French, and the only time he is tough is when he is going in 2 footed or stamping. Sadly for Gardner, his brothers can't help him on this on, and as 2-feet and stamping is allowed, the French poopshoot pioneer stamps the Brummy down for an early lead.
With one swing of his rocket right foot though, Cabaye's testicles are removed, and he concedes, leaving the ring to take his rightful place as an Armani model (ladies collection) 3-2 the lads.
JONAS (ARG) v BARDO (SCO) - Bardo, next. 4-2 Sunderland.
OBERTAN (FRA) V RICCO (ENG) - Another easy one, 'only god can judge me' say Ricco's shin pads. Sadly, god is against fighting, and alien Obertan has a free reign to pummel him. Toon back in it. 4-3 Sunderland.
BA (SEN) v O'SHEA (EIR) - a battle royale this one, experienced O'Shea putting up a great fight, his younger, quicker opponent having a tough time making any inroads against him.
Ba finishes everything right now, and that's the case here, as from one lapse moment, O'Shea drops his guard and pays the price with a head but that sends him out of the Sports Direct Arena, into flight.
He lands in the Bigg Market, where he is eaten alive by some Benwell lasses who here he has a job. 4-4, and into a decider.....
SOTI (GRE) v BEST (EIR) -So it's down to this... the caveman v the ironically named Irish international....
3 seconds in, the big Greek picks him up and snaps him clean in half, eating his top half, and giving a leg each to passing seagulls.
He's a hero, and he's at one with nature.
Sunderland 5 - 4 Newcastle....
Being exiled, you guys, and the one Mackem I know here (a screaming hot lass, she does my hair) and the handful of Mags here, it's tough being detached from 'our' game.
This article is in no way meant to be serious, and if you are offended by childishness, look away now.
Anyway, enough of the love in, so, we all agree that this derby, on the face of it, is likely to be tighter than a Jew in a pound shop, but what about if they replaced the pitch at the wonderfully named Sports Direct Arena with a weapons free cage, and the lads went toe-to-toe, street fighter style, in a fight to the death series of 1-on-1 battles.
Now, I think we'll all agree that it is unlikely to be implemented into the FA rules anytime soon, and as such we'd probably not get the 3 points for the winner, but it would also be fantastic entertainment.
Try and either a) be unbiased, or b) have an at least mildy amusing reason for your choice.
My picks....
KRUL (NED) vs MIG (BEL) - Well, frankly, the curtain raiser would likely be a bit of a soft entry, 2 rather foppish looking young men (although the handsome Mig has sadly had his boyish good lucks blemished by a multiple early season face fracture), I dare say neither would be the first you'd call if you were having trouble with some local hoodlums.
I see a fight akin to two bears hitting each other with leaves, and a draw, with no injuries accrued....
SIMPSON (ENG) v McLEAN (EIR) - Simple this one, a walkover for McLean (pronounced Mclane, like John in Die Hard...), who wipes out Simpson in half a second.
McLean looks like he could take down a boat quicker than an Italian captain. 1 - 0 Sunderland
COLO (ARG) v SESS (BEN) - An elegant and graceful battle, Colo has the size advantage, but Sessegnon is indestructible. An entertaining draw.
WILLO (ENG) v CAMPBELL (ENG) - Cumbersome Willo comes out with some bick hooks, but quick and nimble ducks, dives, tires him out and knocks him down.
Being such a gent, Englands number 9 helps Willo back to his feet, and gets him a date with a supermodel, and it's 2-0 Sunderland.
SANTON (ITA) v LARSSON (SWE) - Well, Italians are surrender monkeys, and Swedes are lovers, not fighters. Santon takes advantage of the suave Swede arranging his flowing blonde locks, and pounds him in the face with a jar of Dolmio (Extra garlic). 2-1 Sunderland.
TIOTE (CIV) v CATTS (ENG) - The 2 tough guys of the sides, this one turns into an epic hour long grapple, sadly for us Mackems, the strength and stamina of Tiote wins out, crushing Catts from the waist down with a swing of his enormous head. Catts will never walk again....2-2
CABAYE (FRA) v GARDNER (ENG) - Cabaye is French, and the only time he is tough is when he is going in 2 footed or stamping. Sadly for Gardner, his brothers can't help him on this on, and as 2-feet and stamping is allowed, the French poopshoot pioneer stamps the Brummy down for an early lead.
With one swing of his rocket right foot though, Cabaye's testicles are removed, and he concedes, leaving the ring to take his rightful place as an Armani model (ladies collection) 3-2 the lads.
JONAS (ARG) v BARDO (SCO) - Bardo, next. 4-2 Sunderland.
OBERTAN (FRA) V RICCO (ENG) - Another easy one, 'only god can judge me' say Ricco's shin pads. Sadly, god is against fighting, and alien Obertan has a free reign to pummel him. Toon back in it. 4-3 Sunderland.
BA (SEN) v O'SHEA (EIR) - a battle royale this one, experienced O'Shea putting up a great fight, his younger, quicker opponent having a tough time making any inroads against him.
Ba finishes everything right now, and that's the case here, as from one lapse moment, O'Shea drops his guard and pays the price with a head but that sends him out of the Sports Direct Arena, into flight.
He lands in the Bigg Market, where he is eaten alive by some Benwell lasses who here he has a job. 4-4, and into a decider.....
SOTI (GRE) v BEST (EIR) -So it's down to this... the caveman v the ironically named Irish international....
3 seconds in, the big Greek picks him up and snaps him clean in half, eating his top half, and giving a leg each to passing seagulls.
He's a hero, and he's at one with nature.
Sunderland 5 - 4 Newcastle....
...
