The it’s ok to not be ok thread

[SAFCDRUM]

Been a **** 9 months really, strangely straight after our play off win. That Saturday was our 45th wedding anniversary but, me being me and my wife being her, we knew that I would be at Wembley, along with our 3 sons and 3 grandchildren.
Therefore, we decided to go to York for a night to celebrate our w/a the week after. When we got to the car park I had to assemble the mobility scooter, which she used to get about (used sticks to get around our bungalow). However, when I went to test that the battery had connected it took off in my hand, smashed into her shin, sending her flying backwards. With the help of a passer by we got her up and into the scooter and went to the hospital A/E. After a check over we were told nothing serious but to keep an eye on things.
By the Sunday (1st June) she had bad headaches and pain in her back, so after calling 111 we were told to get straight to hospital. After various scans/blood tests we were told that her infection rate was over 360 (should be under 10), her left leg swelled up, her index finger had a bad infection and she had pneumonia. After 15 days she was sent home with the infection rate still at 118, still with pain in her back.
After numerous follow up visits to our doctors and the hospital over the next 2 months, she still had pain in her back, so went back to our doctors on the 14th August to see if there was any different pain relief they could give her for her back (she had been on codeine, tramadol and zomorph). The doctor did another blood test as she thought she could hear something after listening to her back/chest.
At 10pm that night we got a phone call asking us again to get to hospital ASAP. When we explained how much pain she was in the sent an ambulance which got us to hospital at 1am on the 15th August.
3 days later her right leg give way and within a week her left leg also gave way, leaving her bedbound. Over a week later they did an MRI scan which showed discitis of the spine (bad infection), resulting in the fracture of the spine around that area, affecting the nerves (fortunately not the spinal cord). She was put on a 12 week antibiotic course and during this transferred to another hospital, where she remained until the 20th January, when she was moved to an Intermediate care home. She then came home on the 13th February, which is fantastic.
However, during almost of this time I have have had some really bad days, despite my wife being the most positive, wonderful person I have ever met, because I keep blaming myself for when I knocked her over, wondering if this started all this. I have been close to a nervous breakdown a number of times but my family have been fantastic and my wife's positivity kept me going. The only time this wained was when she was so desperate to come home she had a go at me, saying "I dont think you want me home". I did but I knew she wasn't ready to come home and I was frightened of how I would cope.
I think that is why I have struggled as I didn't know how how I would cope, mentally and physically (I am 70 and have had major heart surgery).
However, we are coping, day by day, getting into some sort of routine and being positive that she will eventually get onto her feet again.
This means that I am her 24/7 carer at the moment, helping her into bed and commode during the night numerous times, in and out of her wheelchair, easy chair and commode during the day, bed washes (waiting for our shower to be modified to allow her to get a shower) but, as I said to her, you have looked after me for 45 years so it is my turn now.
This also means I change to our lives until we can get sorted with an electric wheelchair and a WAV to allow us to get out and about. It also means that my personal sporting plans are on hold, with the Liverpool game probably my last game this season, having to cancel my trip to Cheltenham races next week and probably no cricket this summer.
BUT, I AM GETTING MY HEAD ROUND THIS BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE THERE FOR MY WONDERFUL WIFE, BECAUSE I SIGNED UP FOR BETTER OR WORSE AND THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO GIVE.
Apologies for the long winded rant but just writing it out after reading some of the stories on here from some fantastic people has already helped.

That's a powerful post mate.

My wife has MS and I am full time carer. I'm 52, work full time and have 3 kids 16, 13 and 7.

We have just had adaptations done via the council so we have a wet room and had ramps sorted outside house. I fully understand assisting with commode and showering. It's very hard work. You sound like a young 70 but please message or come on here if you want to chat/vent further.

We argue regularly and have said some nasty words but it's almost mainly caused by stress (health, finances, kids) and not really meant.

All the best.

 

[Becs]

Been a **** 9 months really, strangely straight after our play off win. That Saturday was our 45th wedding anniversary but, me being me and my wife being her, we knew that I would be at Wembley, along with our 3 sons and 3 grandchildren.
Therefore, we decided to go to York for a night to celebrate our w/a the week after. When we got to the car park I had to assemble the mobility scooter, which she used to get about (used sticks to get around our bungalow). However, when I went to test that the battery had connected it took off in my hand, smashed into her shin, sending her flying backwards. With the help of a passer by we got her up and into the scooter and went to the hospital A/E. After a check over we were told nothing serious but to keep an eye on things.
By the Sunday (1st June) she had bad headaches and pain in her back, so after calling 111 we were told to get straight to hospital. After various scans/blood tests we were told that her infection rate was over 360 (should be under 10), her left leg swelled up, her index finger had a bad infection and she had pneumonia. After 15 days she was sent home with the infection rate still at 118, still with pain in her back.
After numerous follow up visits to our doctors and the hospital over the next 2 months, she still had pain in her back, so went back to our doctors on the 14th August to see if there was any different pain relief they could give her for her back (she had been on codeine, tramadol and zomorph). The doctor did another blood test as she thought she could hear something after listening to her back/chest.
At 10pm that night we got a phone call asking us again to get to hospital ASAP. When we explained how much pain she was in the sent an ambulance which got us to hospital at 1am on the 15th August.
3 days later her right leg give way and within a week her left leg also gave way, leaving her bedbound. Over a week later they did an MRI scan which showed discitis of the spine (bad infection), resulting in the fracture of the spine around that area, affecting the nerves (fortunately not the spinal cord). She was put on a 12 week antibiotic course and during this transferred to another hospital, where she remained until the 20th January, when she was moved to an Intermediate care home. She then came home on the 13th February, which is fantastic.
However, during almost of this time I have have had some really bad days, despite my wife being the most positive, wonderful person I have ever met, because I keep blaming myself for when I knocked her over, wondering if this started all this. I have been close to a nervous breakdown a number of times but my family have been fantastic and my wife's positivity kept me going. The only time this wained was when she was so desperate to come home she had a go at me, saying "I dont think you want me home". I did but I knew she wasn't ready to come home and I was frightened of how I would cope.
I think that is why I have struggled as I didn't know how how I would cope, mentally and physically (I am 70 and have had major heart surgery).
However, we are coping, day by day, getting into some sort of routine and being positive that she will eventually get onto her feet again.
This means that I am her 24/7 carer at the moment, helping her into bed and commode during the night numerous times, in and out of her wheelchair, easy chair and commode during the day, bed washes (waiting for our shower to be modified to allow her to get a shower) but, as I said to her, you have looked after me for 45 years so it is my turn now.
This also means I change to our lives until we can get sorted with an electric wheelchair and a WAV to allow us to get out and about. It also means that my personal sporting plans are on hold, with the Liverpool game probably my last game this season, having to cancel my trip to Cheltenham races next week and probably no cricket this summer.
BUT, I AM GETTING MY HEAD ROUND THIS BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE THERE FOR MY WONDERFUL WIFE, BECAUSE I SIGNED UP FOR BETTER OR WORSE AND THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO GIVE.
Apologies for the long winded rant but just writing it out after reading some of the stories on here from some fantastic people has already helped.

That's a hell of a lot to go through mate and I'm sorry it happened. Don't blame yourself. It was a freak accident and it wasn't your fault.

Where do you live? If you live in the Sunderland are, we found Sunderland Carers invaluable. My Dad had a stroke that left him paralysed so he needed extra care. They provided links to places my parents could get help.

https://sunderlandcarers.co.uk/

Also look at social groups for people in the same situation. That helped both my Mam and Dad as they enjoyed the company and support from others going through similar things.

Most importantly, look after yourself. Don't run yourself into the ground with the care. Spend a little bit of time on yourself as it's good for both your physical and mental health. Take up the offers from your children so you can have time off to do something you enjoy. Don't feel guilty about this either! Your needs are just as important.

Keep talking on here. We're all with you and will help where we can. Take care xx

 

[Nig]

Cheers Smug mate,

Ive gone back a few times today and re-read what started this, to see if there was anything that warranted that comment. I dont think I said anything out of order as such, just pulled him up about his constant thinly veiled digs at all things SAFC.

Don't take it to heart mate. He's probably just a daft youngun who doesn't think about what he says and how it might affect someone.

Cue someone telling me he's 65 now

Keep keeping on and stay positive pal.

 

[Tongester55]

That's a hell of a lot to go through mate and I'm sorry it happened. Don't blame yourself. It was a freak accident and it wasn't your fault.

Where do you live? If you live in the Sunderland are, we found Sunderland Carers invaluable. My Dad had a stroke that left him paralysed so he needed extra care. They provided links to places my parents could get help.

https://sunderlandcarers.co.uk/

Also look at social groups for people in the same situation. That helped both my Mam and Dad as they enjoyed the company and support from others going through similar things.

Most importantly, look after yourself. Don't run yourself into the ground with the care. Spend a little bit of time on yourself as it's good for both your physical and mental health. Take up the offers from your children so you can have time off to do something you enjoy. Don't feel guilty about this either! Your needs are just as important.

Keep talking on here. We're all with you and will help where we can. Take care xx

I live in Bishop Auckland, but, as a family we want to see what we can do and fingers crossed it is not a long term problem. If it becomes apparent that it is then we may have to look at things differently.
We have an appointment at a specialised physio place on the 12th March (Tees Neuro Physiotherapy @ Billingham), so may get more answers then.
Thank you for the information and kind words - this also goes to everyone else that has messaged, it is much appreciated

 

[Tongester55]

That's a powerful post mate.

My wife has MS and I am full time carer. I'm 52, work full time and have 3 kids 16, 13 and 7.

We have just had adaptations done via the council so we have a wet room and had ramps sorted outside house. I fully understand assisting with commode and showering. It's very hard work. You sound like a young 70 but please message or come on here if you want to chat/vent further.

We argue regularly and have said some nasty words but it's almost mainly caused by stress (health, finances, kids) and not really meant.

All the best.

Thank you and sorry to hear about your wife. To have to work full time as well must be hard and with 3 young children as well. At least mine are grown up but we try to not to put too much on them as they have there own busy lives to live.
Our middle son is handy and built a ramp to get into the patio doors at the side of the bungalow as the front door is too narrow to get her wheelchair through. He has also modified internal door frames (cut a notch in the frames ) to allow the wheelchair to get from room to room. He also fitted supports to the bottom of our bed to raise it so the molift would fit under.
I was in tears when she first came out and when she asked why I said I was frightened of not being good enough to look after her well enough. That same night I got myself in a knot trying to do something, which meant she was on her feet for too long and in pain. She shouted out "and you are f...... useless", which didn't help at the time
When I mentioned this the following day, she couldn't remember saying it so it is now a joke between us.
Like you say, things are said in the heat of the moment but the thing is not to dwell on them.
Thank you.

 

[Essayyeffcee]

Just thought I'd move this up the board to see if everyone is ok or needs to get anything off their chest

 

[ISOE II]

Wobble yesterday. Battled through. On it today. Be good tomorrow. Thanks for asking.

 

[Essayyeffcee]

Wobble yesterday. Battled through. On it today. Be good tomorrow. Thanks for asking.

You don't have to battle through, you can always post on here. Glad you're feeling more like yourself today though

 

[Robertson]

It's really good to talk, like a lot of people have. Takes a lot of bravery though and sometimes you don't feel in the right head-space to do so. I hope everyone knows there are a whole bunch of well-meaning folk here who will help in any big or small way possible.

 

[ISOE II]

You don't have to battle through, you can always post on here. Glad you're feeling more like yourself today though

Thanks. I’ll try and remember that. It’s been a tough 6 months and I know work wise what I need to do and may have an opportunity to do
It In the next week or so.

 

[Tongester55]

6 weeks passed since my last post and things are going ok with the wife, slow but some progress. She starts a 20+ hr physio course tomorrow at Tees Neuro Physiotherapy in Billingham over the next 6-7 weeks, including some Hydrotherapy. Also saw the spinal surgeon at James Cook last week who has arranged for an updated MRI scan to be done and is going to ask their Physiotherapy department to see if they can take the wife on (save me £1500+ for these 20+ hr courses if they will).
Anyway, she has pestered me to go to the game, so last night I agreed (although feel guilty) to go when our daughter agreed to come round (she would have agreed earlier but has had weight loss surgery, so wasn't in a position to help).
So looking forward to the game but hoping I get back to find her safe and sound.
COME ON

 

[ISOE II]

It's really good to talk, like a lot of people have. Takes a lot of bravery though and sometimes you don't feel in the right head-space to do so. I hope everyone knows there are a whole bunch of well-meaning folk here who will help in any big or small way possible.

I’ve had someone helping me and I know the direction of travel.

 

[Chunksafc]

Went along to Andys Man Club with my cousins son tonight. Hes been having a rough time and thought it might help him and me.

What a brilliant thing it is, a really good space to talk and share with no one judging you. We both said it was a really positive experience and will be going back

 

[Essayyeffcee]

Went along to Andys Man Club with my cousins son tonight. Hes been having a rough time and thought it might help him and me.

What a brilliant thing it is, a really good space to talk and share with no one judging you. We both said it was a really positive experience and will be going back

Brilliant mate. Anything that helps can only be good for you

 

[SAFCDRUM]

6 weeks passed since my last post and things are going ok with the wife, slow but some progress. She starts a 20+ hr physio course tomorrow at Tees Neuro Physiotherapy in Billingham over the next 6-7 weeks, including some Hydrotherapy. Also saw the spinal surgeon at James Cook last week who has arranged for an updated MRI scan to be done and is going to ask their Physiotherapy department to see if they can take the wife on (save me £1500+ for these 20+ hr courses if they will).
Anyway, she has pestered me to go to the game, so last night I agreed (although feel guilty) to go when our daughter agreed to come round (she would have agreed earlier but has had weight loss surgery, so wasn't in a position to help).
So looking forward to the game but hoping I get back to find her safe and sound.
COME ON

Hope you managed to enjoy the game and all OK when you got home.

I often dread going home after a rare time out as its normally gond tits up.

My wife has had enough if medication and the 'experts' so she's today started a 3 day fasting of no food or water. We'll see.

 

[Snaggey]

Went along to Andys Man Club with my cousins son tonight. Hes been having a rough time and thought it might help him and me.

What a brilliant thing it is, a really good space to talk and share with no one judging you. We both said it was a really positive experience and will be going back

Where's this at mate?

 

[cumbrianmackem]

My last surviving brother, the youngest of six of us was diagnosed with Prostrate Cancer the week of the Playoff final.
He's had a SC for years and the news caused him to miss the final.
He's gone through all his Chemo & Radiology treatments and is awaiting his final appointment with his consultant but all looks good so far.
He's only managed six home games this season but has six wins out of six and reckons if he'd managed to get to them all then we'd be Arsenals main worry instead of City.
I've shared this with some on here and if I'm honest it's really knocked me for six but we're through the worst ( hopfully) so O&U.
Feels good to actually type this out instead of keeping it to myself, thanks for this thread and for those taking the time to read it.

 

[Chunksafc]

Where's this at mate?

Its at the fans museum, they have others in kyall road and murton

 

[Smug in Boots]

My last surviving brother, the youngest of six of us was diagnosed with Prostrate Cancer the week of the Playoff final.
He's had a SC for years and the news caused him to miss the final.
He's gone through all his Chemo & Radiology treatments and is awaiting his final appointment with his consultant but all looks good so far.
He's only managed six home games this season but has six wins out of six and reckons if he'd managed to get to them all then we'd be Arsenals main worry instead of City.
I've shared this with some on here and if I'm honest it's really knocked me for six but we're through the worst ( hopfully) so O&U.
Feels good to actually type this out instead of keeping it to myself, thanks for this thread and for those taking the time to read it.

Very moving post mate.

 

[Becs]

Where's this at mate?

They're all over! Really good place for men to go.

Find A Support Group - ANDYSMANCLUB

Use our map to find your nearest ANDYSMANCLUB group. All our clubs meet on Mondays at 7pm and any man over 18 can attend.

andysmanclub.co.uk

Also have a look at this if you're interested:

Space North East

spacenortheast.org

James who set that charity up has an amazing story and he's such a lovely man.

I've also met Shane who set this one up and he's really nice as well.

Not A Statistic Northeast: About Our Community Mission

About Not A Statistic Northeast CIC: Empowering community connections and peer support in Sunderland.

www.not-a-statistic-ne.org