I was wondering what to order in Subway. I asked the girl, "do you have any feta cheese?" She leaned closer and whispered, "I like to be tied up."
I've heard that if you have relatives round on Christmas Day the Police can force entry and make them go. Is this a free service?
Or, if you would like a good old fashioned piss up with all your mates at your house just phone the filth up, tell them you're being burgled and your car has been stolen and you'll get two or three days of peace minimum from the bastards
I was in a works dance with wives a colleges wife was showing me a lot of attention I went for a pee while sitting back down he said to me "Why are you so fat" to which i replied, "Every time I **** your wife, she gives me a pack of chocolate biscuits".
Two nuns cycling down a narrow street. One says to the other “ I have never come this way” The other replies ” Me neither, must be the cobble stones”
It was Christmas eve and a businesman was standing on the ledge of a high building about to commit suicide. Suddenly Father Christmas appeared on the rooftop behind him. "Young man" said Father Christmas, "I was delivering presents when I saw you, are you OK?" "No" said the man. "I've had enough. My business has gone bust, my wife has left me, and my children all hate me." "This is terrible" said Father Christmas. "We can't allow such things to happen at Christmas. I'll tell you what, I will use my Christmas magic to save your business, make your wife come back, and you can spend Christmas morning with your children who will love their Dad." "Would you really do that for me Father Christmas?" asked the man, suddenly hopeful. "Of course" replied Father Christmas."There is however, one thing. Normally I can only use my magic to deliver presents to children. In order to help grown-ups they must give me something in return. These are the rules that govern my powers." "I'll do anything to get my family back." Said the man. "What must I do?" "Well, this is a little embarrassing" said Father Christmas "But you must do something that is of great cost to you. And a fact that is not known about me is that I am gay. For my magic to work.. you must give me a blowjob." The man was taken aback, but after a moments thought he realised he had nothing to lose and got down on his knees. When he had finished, Father Christmas said "I have just one question. How old are you, young man?" "45" repled the man. "A bit old to believe in Father Christmas, aren't you?"
