Off Topic And Now for Something Completely Different

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My daughter is getting very good at her Do-Re-Mi, even if I do say so myself.

 

It's a cracker. or just an excuse to share corny quips that have probably been posted before.

Due to my poor typing skills, I have inadvertently invited Satan around for eggnog, instead of Santa
Shall I play Devil's Advocaat ?

What do you get if you divide 22 sheep into 7 pens?
A Shepherd's Pi.

To everyone that received a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library next Monday.

Our soul tribute band used to play such a good version of You To Me Are Everything' that people thought we were The Real Thing.

I've bought my wife a telepathic abacus. It's the thought that counts.

There was a terrible misunderstanding when Sean Connery wanted to purchase some sexy underwear.
Apparently he had asked for "satin" ones.

Back in 1960 some enterprising ad agency in Liverpool booked the cast of The Magnificent Seven to do an advert for a new aftershave.
Total disaster only 6 arrived
Yul never wore cologne

Mid-wife for sale , can deliver.

A boy asked his mum....."Why am I black and you're white?"
Mum replied...."Don't even go there. The way that party went you're lucky you don't bark!"

The local wig shop was broken into last night and had its entire stock taken.
The owners replaced the locks this morning

I’m fat but I identify as skinny.
I’m trans-slender.

I come from a family of failed magicians.
I’ve got two half sisters.

I sent the wife a 'Get Better Soon' card. She's not sick, it's just that there's a lot of room for improvement.

I've just seen a Mini Cooper.
He was making brandy barrels for Saint Bernards.

 

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We're gonna stay at the YMCA...

 

Warning, Colin is contagious.

 

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven.
So she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged, she screams, "What the hell was that all about? I show you two of God's most perfect creations and I am denied admission to Heaven, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in! I don't get it!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

 

Eric the well read.

 

When you step on the beach without reckoning how hot the sand is.

 

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Skilled man.

Welding brass is a right ****.

 

Bit of a brazen statement, something you realise as you get solder...