The BBC have a new show starting next week. Its a cooking show for women that have been victims of domestic abuse... Its called 'Can't cook, right hook! '
I'm sure there's some material to be written about our strikeforce at the start of the season being a fat Simpson, Folan, and Cullen, but I just can't work out how to start a joke about how there's an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman trying to play football.
Sad to say, I was looking round some of the other boards. Burnley have only got 7 threads and one of them is completely by City fans. However, the QPR board has a joke thread like this one. Try it, it's really good. Have this one as a taster - that's quite a good pun when you read the joke. A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the other lions and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.
A friend asked me to say a few words today at the funeral of his son, who had suffered with Downs Syndrome. In hindsight, calling him 'Dead Special' wasn't the best choice of words..
Just watching Mock the Week and Frankie Boyle said... What's that Joker? You'll be back. Somehow I don't think so.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be ã9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be ã32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. . . . . . . . . . "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, acting on behalf of the Environment Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an Flood Risk Assessment on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The Labour government beat me to it."
What do retired people do all day? Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a parking meter attendant writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a miserable turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him an old s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age..........
And... Is it a bird, is it a plane. Whatever it is, it's heading straight for the World Trade Centre!
no it's not Bullard or Leicester.. but a proper daily column since we can't have Babe of the day any more.. that went tits up.. boom boom.. Woman says to her husband "You only want sex after you've been drinking" "That's not true!" he says, "Sometimes I want a kebab"
people needed something to complain about, since jonathan ross and russell brand had been pretty quiet..so they picked babe of the day..
and people complained about it wasnt the people in the photos was it? haha oh well just have to look out for daily jokes now
paddy "what did you get for your birthday murphy?" murphy "I got this thing called a thermos flask" paddy "oh what does that do then?" murphy "well it keeps hot things hot and also cold things cold" paddy "oh right, so what you got in it?" murphy "a cup of tea and an ice lolly"
A middle aged woman is shopping in Asda. When she finishes her shopping she sees a good looking young man on one of the checkout and goes straight to his checkout. After all her shopping has been packed she asks if he will help her take the shopping to her car. She gets outside and says 'Hey, i've got an itchy pussy' the lad says 'You'll have to point it out to me love, i'm **** at recognising Japanese cars'.
An 80 yr Old lady was marrying for the 4th time newspaper asked if she would mind talking about her first 3 husbands & what they did for a living. She smiled & said "My first husband was a Banker, then I married a Circus Ringmaster. Next was a Preacher & now in my 80's, a Funeral Director When asked why the 4 Men had such diverse careers. She explained"I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready & 4 to go..
Two irishmen are walking along a river bank when they see a man getting eaten by a crocodile. One of them turns to the other and says "will you look at that fancy pants in his Lacoste sleeping bag"
