**** jokes thread

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Snow white was having a gang bang with the 7 dwarfs. Then she notices happy sat in corner looking sad.

'why so sad happy, its your turn next'?

Yes but cousin herpes is visiting and he has jumped the queue.
 
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
 
Two muffins sat in the oven. Ine says 'hot in here isnt it'?

The other muffin turns round and shouts 'oh my god a talking muffin'.
 
Man opens his door and see's a snail. He picks it up and throws it across the road.

A year later the man opens his door and see's the same snail.

The snail looks up and says 'what the **** was *that* all about?
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?
 
Man takes his wife to the doctors as she'd been acting a bit weird. Doc examines the woman then takes the fella outside and says "I've narrowed it down to two possible things, it's either Alzheimer's or Aids".

"Fookin' hell what should I do?"

"When you get her home, dress her in a tracksuit and trainers and send her out for a run. If she comes back, whatever you do, don't fcuk her"...
 
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A lot of women are turning into good drivers.



So if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning.
 
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A billionaire decided to give his triplets a special present on their 10th birthday. The first child asked for a train set so he bought Great Western Railway. The second wanted an aeroplane and received an Airbus A380. The third asked for a cowboy outfit so the billionaire bought Arsenal Football Club.
 
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A man goes hunting in Yellowstone park, he baits an area and takes up a great view of the area. Soon a big ugly grissley bear comes along, the hunter takes aim and pulls the trigger, down goes the bear. All excited the hunter runs to the spot to view the trophy but....Nothings there? All of a sudden he gets a tap on the shoulder, the startled hunter turns around to see the massive bear. The bear said to him "that's not a very sporting thing to do is it?" The hunter apologises but the bear say's I'll give you two choices on your fate, I will tear your ****ing head off or you can drop your trousers and bend over that rock. After 2 hours of the most seriously violent rogering the bear lets the hunter depart.

All that night the hunter is feeling the rage that he had been so violated and wants revenge. The next morning he gets an M62 from the surplus store and hides in the bushes in the same area. The bear comes along and the hunter opens fire with three long sweeps until all the ammo is spent. Delightedly he hobbles over to the spot but no bear! Then came the dreaded tap on the shoulder. The bear was very angry and said to the hunter...you know the drill. Four hours later the hunter crawls back to his lodge in agony with his arse looking like a plasterers radio.

All night he's agonising how he can get the son-of-a-bitch back. The next morning he's taking no chances, armed with a bazooka he heads off into the woods intent on revenge. He waits a bit then spots the bear but he takes time to make sure he has him in his sights real good...Boom! the whole area is destroyed. Jumping up and down with glee the hunter goes to see the result...Tap on the shoulder, the hunter cringes with absolute fear. The bear turns and say's to him... You don't come here for the hunting do you?
 
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