"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife whilst she was in labour. "**** off you bastard!" She screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my bloody fault the car broke down on the way to the Hospital!
A detective is sitting in a bar and looks down to see a wet patch on his trousers. He looks at the guy on his left and asks him if he had made his trousers wet. Guy says no. He looks at the guy on his right and asks him if he had made his trousers wet. Other guy says no. "Hmm," he mutters, "It must have been an inside job then
THE PRIEST'S RETIREMENT DINNER.. A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: "Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour! I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people." Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession." Moral: Never, never be late...
Irish Fire Insurance A man and his wife moved back home to County Cork, from London.The wife had awooden leg and to insure it in Britain was£2000.00 a year!When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen,it says:*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*
While enjoying a drink with his mate one night,ryan decides to try his luck with an attractive lady sitting by the bar.She lets him join her for a drink and to his surprise asks him to accompany him home.They spend the night hard at it.Finally they finish;Ryan rolls off,pulls out a cigarette and looks for his lighter. He asks his new love if she has a light. "There might be some matches in the top drawer",she replies. Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man.Naturally he begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he enquires nervously. "No,silly" she replies. "Your boyfriend then?" "No",she replirs,snuggling up to him. "Who is he then?" "Thats me,before the operation!"
Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a eagle walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the eagle's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the eagle. "Your name is written inside the cover."
1. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering. 2. There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage! 3. A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want! 4. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. 5. Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die!
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London. Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair". Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent". "OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy. They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap! The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?" "Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?" The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners.
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and gets a glass of water from the bartender. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six glasses later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he gasps. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the bartender. The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the bartender asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps. "Tell you what," says the bartender, "you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place." "Be my guest, the broad's a nympo. She'll do anybody." So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife." "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize..." "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey
Been reading the jokes thread on the QPR board, some gems... will share some of my faves that i come across: A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a Fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been Trained to give blow jobs!' 'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. 'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... No More blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! .. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans Flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading Cook books. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook ....... you're gone.'
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class. Teacher: What kind of wife would you like Johnny? Johnny: I would want a wife like the moon. Teacher: Wow !! what a choice... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon? Johnny: No, I want her to arrive at night and **** off in the morning!
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A chav goes into a florist and says, "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend.?" The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?" Chav replies......... "a tit ****
