Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it." -
Time for a clear, serious grammar lesson... No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes. The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is his astute answer: When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!! He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
Harry was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a large group of people outside a farmhouse. please log in to view this image It was a cold January afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Giles why such a large crowd of men was gathered there. The farmer replied, 'Eddie's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.' 'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.' 'Nope,' said Giles.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'
A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be an Engineer" said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ****ing fault."
Barbarian Jokes Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1 to complain that the lightbulb isn't working, 5 to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled Lightbulb Mines of Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask Gandalf for directions, 1 to sell into slavery when the directions aren't stuck to, and they end up in entirely the wrong part of the country, and ready cash runs low, 5 get lost through natural wastage (bandits, murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to cover the retreat, 2 to carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large, sword-wielding barbarian to escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to throw a safe-return party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style, got drunk at the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to change the lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism,
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...So what's the other possible good news?'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again
A Manchester girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the welfare officer. "Ten" replies the girl, "Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?" "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" replies the girl. "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says thegirl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it. "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker. "That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
This guy from across the road was talking to me earlier. “My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided. “What? That fat ugly ****er I see every morning outside your house?” I said “Yes,” he laughed, cheering up. “Why would Dave the milkman want to **** that?” I replied
The good Samaritan A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time of night," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing set."
A guy gets home from the pub and tells his wife "the milkman was in the pub tonight bragging he has shagged every woman in our street bar one" his wife replied "it'll be that miserable cow at No 26"
Two nuns cycling back to the convent, ones says "I've never come this way before" the other replies "neither have I, must be the cobbles"
A priest was invited to attend a house party.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar. A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy; "Do you know why I am wearing that?" The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".
My mate's shagging twins, who both like it up the arse....... I asked, "how do you tell them apart?" He said "oh that's easy, Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny and Derek's got a moustache and big bollocks".
Funeral Service For The Living Dead A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
Why I Like Retirement ! Question:How many days in a week? Answer:6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question:When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer:Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question:How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer:Only one, but it might take all day. Question:What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer:There is not enough time to get everything done. Question:Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer:The term comes with a 10% discount. Question:Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer:Tied shoes. Question:Why do retirees count pennies? Answer:They are the only ones who have the time. Question:What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer:NUTS! Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question:What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer:Normal. Question:What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer:The never ending Coffee Break. Question:What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer:If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question:Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer:He is too polite to tell the whole truth. And, my very favorite.... QUESTION:What do you do all week? Answer:Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest. SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time Igot my leotards on, the class was over. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. These days about half the stuffin my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell thedifference. Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!
