A left wing politician, a TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out. The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying, The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV, The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out, as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, because said the trooper, when we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair of bastards saying it was unprovoked attack
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Hubby gets 'I LOVE YOU' tattooed on his knob and goes home 2 show his wife. She says 'there u go again u bastard... trying to put words in my mouth!'
A bloke goes into a Welsh pub and asks for a gin and tonic. All the pub falls silent, then the landlord says "Where are you from boyo, you sound English"? "Er, I'm from Bristol actually" he replies nervously. "Bristol you say, and what do you do in Bristol, look you"? says the Landlord "I'm a Taxidermist" says the man "Taxi.... what"? says the Landlord, "is that something to do with transport boyo? The man says "No I stuff and mount animals" The landlord shouts "It's OK lads, he's one of us"!..
A man goes into Waterstones and asks if they have any books on Paranoia. The assistant beckons him closer, looks left and right then whispers, "They're behind you."
The coastal village of Muff in County Donegal, Ireland has a diving club.....this is apparently true.
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Has the Conservative party officially thanked UKIP for taking all their craziest nuts out of the party yet? When is Boris making the leap?
Two old ladies are sitting in the laundrette waiting for their wash to finish. One of them says '' That washing machine is laughing at me'' ''No it's not'' replies the other '' It's just taking the piss out of your knickers''
My wife asked me where I would like to be buried....... Apparently, " Balls deep in your sister " wasn't the answer she was expecting.
Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far. He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back. The first lifeguard says,"Why are you holding me back? We have to go save that woman!" To which the other replies, "Don't worry. That woman is my mother-in-law." "Are you trying to kill her?" "Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent. Just watch." With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her. "What in the world gave you the notion that would happen," asked the first lifeguard. "Professional courtesy."
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name 'Mary Ellen' written on it," she replies. "Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on." His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?" "Your frickin' horse phoned!
