You Know You're A ***** When....

...when even your family don't want you round for Christmas.

 

...when you vote Yes Scotland

 

When you need to go through your scrapings with a torch and tweezers to remove dog hairs.

 

It certainly makes the two of us more alike, so I guess it does

 

...the biggest event in your calendar is building a bonfire to celebrate a battle from 3 and a quarter centuries ago

 

When you stalk Nicola Sturgeon. Even Gambol wouldn't go there.

 

So are you.

In stones.

 

I'm all for absurd humour but that's taking it too far. Gambol misheard Van Helsing saying he staked Dracula and took a huff.

 

Your entire raison d'etre is to discredit people from a specific religous background

you don't understand the difference between xenophobia and racism

 

When you get arrested for breaking into someones house, eating their cheese and crackers, then falling asleep on their couch.

 

...when you have an online meltdown and start labelling people "COWARDS"

 

If the special needs shoe fits.

 

Take that back. I'm 23.

 

....when you post a picture of your ugly face on the internet and then lose the rag when people laugh at it.

 

When you live in fear of letting your children go outside, drive them everywhere and justify the aforementioned behaviour as "protecting" them.

 

...when you claim a football coach abusing kids was an "act of love"

 

When you dirive everywhere and then spend £40 a month to belong to a gym rather than get out and have a walk or a run.

When you buy 4 big macs, 3 large fries, 4 donuts and a bottle of Diet pepsi

 

When you vote Conservative.