What day of the week is it thread

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At our local chippy, they still use old newspaper to wrap up their fish and chips.

Yesterday I got a plaice in the sun

 

A circus owner runs an ad for a "lion tamer wanted" and two people show up.
One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
"Here's your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
Then he turns to the old golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"


The tough old golfer replies… "Possibly... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

 

A doctor's toilet was blocked so he rang the plumber. The plumber said "It's early hours of the morning can't it wait?" The doc said "If you were ill I'd have to come out".
The plumber said "Fair enough" and called at the docs.

He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said "Give it a few days and if it's still the same give me a call"

 

Old Tom and Elsie were in the cinema. Tom was fussing and fidgeting, Elsie asks "Whats wrong with you? Stop messing!
Tom replies "I've dropped a caramel and I think its gone under the seat"
"Well, leave it! It will be covered in dust and fluff"
I would, but my dentures are stuck in it!"

 

Just dropped a tube of this on my foot........

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A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her stammerer's action group, with an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"
The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, George," said the speech therapist, "who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
“That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London".
“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said.."-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry...".

 

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