These are genuine clips from Council Complaint letters :- 1 ) My bush is really overgrown round the front , and my back passage has fungus growing in it ... 2 ) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore ... 3 ) ... it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow ... 4 ) I want some repairs done to my cooker , as it has backfired and burnt my knob off ... 5 ) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly , then he put his foot in the large hole in his back passage ... 6 )...And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence ... 7 ) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof ... I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off ... 8 ) My lavatory seat is cracked , where do I stand .. ? 9 ) I am writing on behalf of my sink , which is coming away from the wall ... 10 ) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path ...! ? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday , and now she is pregnant ... 11 ) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen ... 12 ) 50% of the walls are damp , 50% have crumbling plaster , and 50% are plain filthy ... 13 ) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers ... 14 ) The toilet is blocked , and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared ... 15 ) Will you please send a man to look at my water ; it is a funny colour , and not fit to drink ... 16 ) Our lavatory seat is broken in half , and is now in three pieces ... 17 ) I want to complain about the farmer across the road ; every morning at 6am , his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me ... 18 ) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden , which is unsightly and dangerous ... 19 ) Our kitchen floor is damp ... We have two children and would like a third , so please send someone round to do something about it ... 20 ) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night ... 21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife ... 22 ) I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times , but I still have no satisfaction ... 23 ) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken , and we can't get BBC2 ...
Breaking News: The whole of Cornwall has been placed into tier 4 lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families. Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically.
When I worked for Plymouth City Council we had a file that was circulated every Christmas period with a load of letters just like those for real.
