I gave the wife a handmade bra that i got from a craft fair, and told her it was made from sheepdog fur. "Aww, how sweet" She giggled. "Is that to keep my boobies nice and warm?" I said, "No, but it'll round them up and point them in the right direction".
My wife ran away with the milkman today. Watching them drive off in his milk float was the worst two and a half hours of my life.
I was driving home the other night, having had a couple of drinks when I noticed a police car in my rear mirror. I thought I better not risk getting stopped so I put my foot down. To my horror their blue light went on and the siren started. I thought "****" and put my foot down. I was up to 90mph and still hadn't shaken them off. So I booted it, flat to the board. 100mph, 120mp 150mph. Eventually I shook them off. Feeling a bit shaken and having missed my turning, I pulled off into a side road and pulled over in a layby to calm down. About 10 mins later the bloody police car pulled into the layby and one of the policemen came over and asked me step out of the car. He said I had better have a very good reason for travelling at that speed. Very nervously I said 'I'm very sorry sir" and gave him the sob story that "2 years ago my wife left me and ran off with someone from the police force. And I thought he was bringing her back"