Anyone know a teacher?? Does he or she like a drink, or two?? THIS is why!! The following questions were set in the 2015 GCSE examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year old's): NOT the same student, thank the Lord!! Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt,pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q. How is dew formed. A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important.Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .. (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death. Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow.(Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!) Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie. Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby. Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.(brilliant) Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit. Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you." Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been 10 years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette. Man: "Thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been 10 years!" The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of 12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink. Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!" Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"
I was out with two mates in a pub the other night when a few big bruisers started mouthing off at us. My mate said “pretend we’re the police” I’d only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the sh!t out of us.
PADDY'S LAST WILL! Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. "Property?”, his wife replies. “The f*cker had a window cleaning round."
