A man walks into a bar with a bag and orders a drink. After a while, the bartender asks him, “What is in the bag?” The man says, “Nothing, don’t worry about it” The night continues and the bartender keeps asking but the man keeps giving him the same answer. Towards the end of the night the bartender offers the man a free beer if the man shows him what is in the bag. The man agrees. He reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny man that sits down and starts playing the piano. The bartender says, “Wow! That’s amazing! Where did you find that guy?” The man looks up and says, “I have this magic lamp that grants me wishes, but the stupid thing is broken.” The man then hands the bartender the lamp and says, “You can try it if you want.” The bartender happily grabs the lamp and wishes for a million bucks and the room is suddenly filled with a million DUCKS. “This thing is definitely broken!” says the bartender. The man replies, “Tell me about it, do you really think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?” please log in to view this image
I got sacked from my old job as a weather presenter. I left under a cloud but I soon got a new job working with explosives in a quarry and I'm having a right blast.
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office: When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher, i sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs." The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied. "Diesel Fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained.... "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour." "What skill?" Yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter." please log in to view this image
“Waiter, I would like the cold soup please“ “It’s Gazpacho sir!” “Ok Gazpacho, can I have the cold soup please.”
As I was climbing into the new bed I brought us last night, my wife snarled at me and turned the other way. I think she’s jealous I got the top bunk.
Went to Boots they don’t sell boots. Went to Currys they don’t sell curry. Went to Selfridges they don’t sell fridges. And that Virgin Megastore well what a f*ckin let down that was.......
My local butcher asked if I would like some cured ham. I said, "Frankly I'd like some that hasn't been ill in the first place".
A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiance is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together; a pretty impressive piece of work. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Honey, well look at this, still in its original crate!
My dad retired from work after 50 years with a big grocery store. As was the custom there, after a short presentation, the staff sprinkled gravy powder all over him. Dad said that a great honour had been Bisto’ed on him!
Any Manchester United fans looking to get away somewhere one last weekend before the kids go back to school… You can’t beat Grimsby this time of year. please log in to view this image
