I asked my wife what women really want, she said ”attentive lovers” Or maybe she said.. “a tent of lovers!” I wasn’t really listening......
My mate got on the bus the other day with his grandad but there was no seating they had to stand. The bus driver said move farther down the bus. My mate said "that's not my dad it's my grandad"
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"..
I was sitting on a bench in the park next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way. He said "Up until last week I had it all,a cook who cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed and ironed, I had a roof over my head, TV, Internet, I went to the gym every day the pool, the library and I could still go to school." I asked him, "What happened? was it drugs? alcohol? divorce?" He replied "Oh no, nothing like that" he said. "No, no....I just got out of prison !"
Just been to Boots and asked the assistant if they sold Benylin. She replied, "For cough?" I said "Steady on love, I only asked!"
I came second in the National Toe Sucking Championships last night. It was the first time I’d ever tasted defeat.....
My student friend is studying Forensics. Big deal! I learnt that in Primary school. The answer is Ten!
I had a beer last night and on the side of the can, it said, “Best drunk in July, 2025”. I want to thank Heineken for this prestigious award.
Mick and Paddy are in London to donate sperm to a sperm bank. But it all ended up going wrong. Mick came on the bus, and Paddy missed the tube.....
U2 have announced they're releasing a board game call Bonopoly. It's like Monopoly, but where the streets have no name....
