A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human… It was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
Two Scousers are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Manchester. One of the bike's tyres goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies, "Scouse eggs." The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup & a SWAT team. The operator asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers. "I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle!"
Following news of the dreadful fire at Kier Starmer's house, I set up a page asking for donations. So far I've received 75 litres of petrol, 20 gas cylinders, 210 wooden pallets, 50 box of matches, 90 cigarette lighters, and half a ton of out of date Chinese fireworks.
I once met Elkie Brooks in Hyde Park while she was walking her poodle. I asked her if I could guess it’s name and she said, “Yes, but you’re a fool if you think it’s Rover.”
If my body was a car, I'd trade it in for a newer model because every time I cough or sneeze, my radiator leaks and my exhaust backfires.
You have probably heard of the Glasgow Kiss and the French kiss, but have you heard about the Aussie Kiss ? It's the same as the French Kiss, but down under.
My wife knows nothing about football. l asked her if she rated George Best, and she said she preferred Zippy and Bungle!
I'm in search for someone to assist with milking cows on my dairy farm. Must work well with udders.....
I went into a shoe shop this morning and asked to see a pair of loafers. The salesperson brought down the general manager and the chief accountant......
Me: "Excuse me, I want clothes for a toddler” Assistant: “Have you looked for 18-24 months?” Me: “No, I've only just turned up”
"Doctor doctor, I keep imagining that I'm a goat!" "Hmm, how long has this been going on?" "Ever since I was a kid..."
I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Manchester United have just announced the latest product to be sold in their gift shop, a 24/25 season commemorative bra. It has a lot of support, but no cups.....
I was chatting a girl up and she told me she was a sergeant in the police force. Anyway, Tina asked me if I wanted to spend the night at hers which I gladly accepted. The next morning she offered me eggs, bacon, beans and sausages. I said to her “Don’t fry for me sergeant Tina!” I'll get my coat..........
