My English teacher said to me,", you'll never be any good at Poetry". "Well," who's laughing now, I've made three vases and a teapot"....
An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets.
So I was working on a building site and the delivery driver said, 'Why won't you sign for these elevators?' I said 'I'm not allowed to accept lifts off strangers'.
The wife was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty. I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once. She's still not home yet & I'm getting hungry........
I accidently paid for my groceries with my library card. My macaroni cheese is due back next Tuesday.
I recently retired from my full time job as a gynaecologist. But I decided to do a few shifts a week. You know, Just to keep my hand in.
OMG I’m rich and didn’t even know it! Silver in the hair, Gold in the teeth, Crystals in the kidneys, And an inexhaustible supply of natural gas! Never thought I’d accumulate so much wealth in my old age!......
My wife said: "did you know Butterflies only live for one day?". I said, 'that's a Myth', she replied,"No, it's definitely a butterfly please log in to view this image "...
