My English teacher said to me,", you'll never be any good at Poetry". "Well," who's laughing now, I've made three vases and a teapot"....
An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets.
So I was working on a building site and the delivery driver said, 'Why won't you sign for these elevators?' I said 'I'm not allowed to accept lifts off strangers'.
The wife was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty. I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once. She's still not home yet & I'm getting hungry........
I accidently paid for my groceries with my library card. My macaroni cheese is due back next Tuesday.
I recently retired from my full time job as a gynaecologist. But I decided to do a few shifts a week. You know, Just to keep my hand in.
OMG I’m rich and didn’t even know it! Silver in the hair, Gold in the teeth, Crystals in the kidneys, And an inexhaustible supply of natural gas! Never thought I’d accumulate so much wealth in my old age!......
My wife said: "did you know Butterflies only live for one day?". I said, 'that's a Myth', she replied,"No, it's definitely a butterfly please log in to view this image "...
Girl in the chippy asked if I wanted my cod battered? I said no need, maybe a light slap and an insult should do.....
Paddy says to Mick, "I can't remember the name of that historical Greek film that Brad Pitt was in". "Troy" said Mick. Paddy "I feckin' am, but I still can't remember!"
If you are attracted to both men and women but neither of them find you attractive, I’m afraid you are.. ...........................................................Bi-Yourself
I was told it's racist to call this British weather. So, I decided to call it Muslim weather. Partly Sunni, but mainly Shiite.......
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun." So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun." Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the f*cking bitch stole ma wallet."
Saw my doctor today, he said "What's the problem?" I said "I keep feeling like I'm an ocean" He said, "Can you be more pacific?"
Thanks to DNA and genealogy I’ve managed to trace my family back to 1147 ! But what happened after midday I have no idea......
I just saw this fella going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet. I thought: “He’s pushing his luck!”
During my wife's labour, the nurse came up to us and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" I said, "Thanks, but we've already chosen a name.".............
