I had no hot or cold water on Friday morning, so I looked through the yellow pages and later that day there was a tap on the door. I won’t use that plumber again!
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
Rumour has it that Elon Musk and Bill Gates are creating a new drug for pen1s enlargement. It’s called Elongates. And it cures a condition called Microsoft.
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds; but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ...how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned, "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender, and proudly says, ...... "Had him circumcised!"
I asked my wife this morning, “Do you think the cup is half full or half empty?” She said, “For the love of god…will you stop wearing my bras?”
I made my morning coffee today with Red Bull instead of water... I was half way to work before I realized that I'd forgotten my car.
I got a lift to the sixteenth floor, and as I got out, the operator said, "Have a good day, son." "Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad!" He said: “No, but I brought you up, didn't I?".
i before e Except for when your neighbour Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird.
My wife is leaving me due to my obsession with walkie-talkies... She said: "This relationship is over" So I replied: "This relationship is what? Over"
Quasimodo arrived home from work, ans saw a wok on the kitchen table. He said to Esmeralda...."Brilliant, are we having a Chinese for tea"? She replied...."No love, I've just ironed your shirts".
I’ve been banned from my church's Easter service. Apparently, the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't, "Ta-Daa!"…
