Paddy says to his missus where you want to go on holiday this year ? She said what about the Canaries ?. Paddy replied "Don't worry, the neighbours will look after them".
A renowned arsonist passed away recently. His mother led the tributes by saying: "Wherever he went, he lit up a room.”
When scientists said the Universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons, they forgot to mention morons.
My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, "Who's the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?" "That's my new girlfriend." I replied. "Really?" he said, "You've kept that one quiet.
I was told that after a vasectomy I wouldn’t have kids anymore. Imagine my shock when I got home from the hospital, and they were still there.
I was in the pub last night doing my TV detective impressions. First I did Kojak, followed by Columbo and a few others. I noticed a girl at the bar watching intently, I said… “Would you like to see my Dick Tracy?” She said..”Yes but my name’s not Tracy!”
I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania... Now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror..
For years four mates each took a week off work to go fishing together. This year, Ron’s wife put her foot down and told him he wasn’t going. Bitterly disappointed, he phoned the others and told them he wasn’t allowed to go. Two days later, the other three arrived at their usual campsite only to see Ron sitting there with his tent already set up. ‘Ron,’ they said, ‘How did you talk your missus into letting you come?’ ‘Well, yesterday evening after my wife had finished reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ she dragged me upstairs and into the bedroom. On the bed she’d put handcuffs and ropes. She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said ‘Now do whatever you want. So here I am.
"As he has voiced, Mr Trump believes the war could be ended swiftly through negotiations, with his appointed envoy, General Keith Kellogg, tasked with achieving a resolution within 100 days of the plan's initiation." Any agreement is sure to be a bit flakey Sorry that is just too corny
Yesterday, a 45-year-old man was going to bed heard thieves in his garage. He called the police. Unfortunately, the officer on the phone told him they don't have any police officers free at the moment. The guy hung up and then called again in a moment and tells the officer: - it’s about these thieves in my garage. Don't bother coming anymore Ive shot them. After literally 2 minutes, 4 police cars, Armed response, counter terrorists, ambulances,..... Thieves were obviously caught. Police officers had a chat with the gentleman Officer says - “ You said you shot them! “ Gentlemen - “ And you said you don't have a free police car “ ..
I used to work with a guy called Ewan Huzami. Nice man, but always getting into fights for some reason.....
If you’re over 50 you’re basically rich! Silver in your hair. Gold in your teeth. Crystals in your kidneys and an abundance of natural gas.
