When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
I went to the pub today and asked for a glass of orange squash. The barman and the lads started laughing, called me a wimp and took the piss. I said, " You'd drink squash too if you had what i have"... The barman looked concerned, "Oh sorry mate, I didn't realise something was wrong. What have u got?" "50 pence" I replied."
I saw a sign in a pet shop window that said "Pedigree Netherlands Cats for sale" I didn't believe they were Netherlands Cats so I went in & asked "How Dutch is that moggie in the window"
Sometimes I like to walk around in my underwear eating Doritos. That doesn’t make me strange! I just wish the shoppers in aisle four would stop staring....
I looked out the back window this morning and I thought I saw the Wife out in the back yard, jabbering away to herself........ But it was just the wheelie bin lid blowing up and down in the wind! please log in to view this image
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing."Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?" "No, I haven't. What's the problem?""The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!""Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asked. "Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."
This bloke asked if he could use my field for a civil war re enactment. I thought, sod that for a game of soldiers......
Three people having sex is called a threesome. Two people having sex is called a twosome. Guess that’s why you’re people call you handsome.
I went into a antique shop to have a look round, I found a vase and went to pay for it I said to the young female assistant, "How much do you take off for cash?" She said, "everything except my ear rings".
Every morning I take my cow for a long walk through the vineyard. Yes, I herd it through the grapevine.
The Power of the English Language please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image 1 . If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times , does he become disoriented ? 2 . If people from Poland are called Poles , why aren't people from Holland called Holes ? Should a person who emigrates from Crete be considered an excretion? 3 . Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ? 4 . If a pig loses its voice , is it disgruntled ? 5 . If love is blind , why is lingerie so popular ? 6 . Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker ? 7 . When cheese gets its picture taken , what does it say ? 8 . Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist ? 9 . Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites ? 10 . Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things ? 11 . Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one ? 12 . " I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language . Could it be that " I do " is the longest sentence ? 13 . If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked , doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted , musicians denoted , cowboys deranged , models deposed , dog trainers debarked , and dry cleaners depressed ? 14 . What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men ? 15 . Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office ? What are we supposed to do , write to them ? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ? 16 . You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive . 17 . No one ever says , " It's only a game " when their team is winning . 18 . Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water ? Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE 19 . Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool ? 20 . If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea , does that mean that fifth one ENJOYS it ?
Fact of the day Did you know the singer Bill Withers had a brother called Bear who wrote telephone on hold music ?
If anything good comes out of Global Warming it will be that in a few years time Dancing on Ice won't be on the fu*ki'n TV.
