What day of the week is it thread

Two people are in hospital after eating Lasagne containing 100% Horse Meat.

They are said to be in a stable condition.

 

I once had a friend who broke off dating a girl because she was missing part of her foot.

Apparently he was lack toes intolerant.

 

I was going to be a gynecologist, but I failed the entrance exam.

 

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Last night, someone broke in to our house and took a dozen eggs.

They also left a saucepan filled with warm water.

Police believe it was poachers.

 

Paddy's New years Eve's firework party was a complete disaster.

"I don't understand it!" He said."

"They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday."

 

Paused a film last night to make a cup of tea.

I've now lost my job at the cinema.

 

Lost my job at the Dodgem Park, so I'm suing them for funfair dismissal.

 

My mates 4 year old daughter cant even say thank you in Spanish.

I mean, ya gotta admit, thats poor for four.

 

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Taxi and Drunk Passengers..
After picking them up, the cab driver quickly realized his passengers were drunk, so he decided to have a little fun. He started the engine, let it idle for a few minutes, and then turned it off.
With a straight face, he turned to his passengers and said, "We're here! You've arrived at your destination!"
The first guy fumbled for his wallet, handed the driver some cash, and stumbled out of the car. The second passenger thanked him as he followed suit, handing him his fare.
But the third man suddenly leaned in and slapped the cab driver across the face! Shocked, the driver thought, "Maybe this one wasn't as drunk as I thought!"
"Hey, what was that for?" he protested, rubbing his sore cheek.
The third guy slurred, "Watch your speed next time! You almost got us all killed!"

 

I thought I broke my ankle last night when I tripped over a box of Kleenex.

But the doctor said it's only tissue damage...

 

I’ve just eaten 7 cans of Alphabetti Spaghetti…

I’m trying to break the record for the world’s biggest vowel movement!

 

Plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject.

Nowadays you talk about botox and no one raises an eyebrow.....

 

I'm no good at helping the kids with Geometry homework.

Apparently a Polygon is not a dead parrot.

 

My wife will only have sex with me if she has a purpose.

Last night she used me to time an egg.

 

A good wife will always be by your side during bad times.

Mostly to remind you that none of this would've happened if you had just listened to her

 

My aviary roof leaks when it rains.

It's getting on my tits..