I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” “I don’t think you’re crazy,” he replied, “I like sausages as well.” “Really?” I said, “You should come over to my house and see my collection.”
Went out to dinner last night. The waiter comes over to our table and says " For starters we have Badger Soup, followed by Badger Roast ,and finishing with Badger Mousse". I said "Is there anything else to eat apart from Badger?" The waiter said, "No, It's a sett menu..."
BBC are refusing to play the record on their radio stations, as they don't want to upset their beloved leader
I went to buy a lottery ticket for myself, and one for my dog. The girl said "Your dog can't buy one" "Yes he can" I told her, "the advert says players must be 18,or Rover"
The man who invented the automatic tennis ball serving machine, is celebrating his birthday. Many happy returns!
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series Of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. ...A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing , and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the s*it out of a ghost."
I went in our local toy shop christmas shopping and asked if they had the board game Operation. They said yes, but there's a 2 year waiting list.
"Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?" My wife asked. "Can you not wait until you’ve opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied.
I was in the pub last night and this girl said to me, "Would you like a drink?" I said, "You're a bit forward aren't you?" She said, "I'm the barmaid you Dick"
I would like to say to everyone I'm sorry I posted all those "How many people it takes to change a lightbulb” jokes. I was in a very dark place at the time.
One Monday morning a postman is walking the village on his usual round. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars are in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and spirit bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas party last night"... The postman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first i have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the village over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I"... The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that"...? Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet... Then the women try to guess who it is"... The postman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that"... Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times.
I was washing up the dishes last week and I said to the wife are you drying up she hasn't spoken to me since
I asked my Doctor 'would it be okay to have sex at 85 ? He said 'Yes, if you feel good go for it' I said Oh thanks Doc cos I live at 73 so it's not far to walk home afterwards
I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas. It's rubbish. Everything is either underground or overground.
I'm in big trouble with my wife. She asked me where was I taking her for Christmas. Apparently "Over the coffee table" was not what she wanted to hear.
Failed my biology test today. Apparently the answer to what was predominantly kept in cells wasn't Scousers.
I've just bought the wife an indoors ice pick, because when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday she said, "A climb axe would make a nice change."
A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk asks if it has any luggage. It replies “no, I’m traveling light”
