I said to the waiter what's the special today He said Tongue. I said I don't fancy eating something out of an animals mouth He said What about a couple of Boiled eggs then......
We lost in the pub quiz. My fault. "In Greek mythology what being was half man and half beast." I said Buffalo Bill.
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another £10 note appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?. "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy " I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
So I rang my mate Stan this morning and his wife answered. "I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday," I said. "You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don't you?" She said, "Stansted." "Blimey," I said, "he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night."
Just tried some of Elvis Costello's new Mediterranean sausages. They were delicious. I think olive salami is here to stay…
The woman at the Job Centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue of people and you're rude to everyone." I said, "What's your point?" "Have you ever thought of becoming a bus driver?" She replied
During the Covid lockdown, if you had family round on Christmas Day, Police could force entry to your home and make them go home. Does anybody know if this service is still available and if you have to book?
**********POLITE NOTICE ********** To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue on their houses/trees, can you please remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the police and I have to let my foot off the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my mobile phone on the floor, hide my bottle of Smirnoff , swallow my joint and hide my gun. Thank you for your understanding.:
After many years of marriage, I think my wife still finds me sexy. Every time I go past her in the house she says, "What an ass."
The local Chinese restaurant decided to diversify, and ( in the owners own words) was going to open a "crows"shop. I said to the owner (Ming), don't you mean "clothes shop"? "No" he replied, " come and take a Rook".
Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” Husband replies, “Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”
I’ve just received a notification that, due to budget cuts, my local pantomime can only afford 6 Dwarfs for their production of “Snow White”. No-one’s Happy.
At this time of year I love sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping mulled wine and listening to Christmas songs until I fall asleep. Probably why I lost my job as a firefighter.
I was on my way home from a Xmas party and got pulled over by the police, the copper said..”you been drinking?” “Yes officer!” How much have you consumed?” I said..”ten or eleven pints of lager, seven or eight shorts and several glasses of wine!” He looked at me sternly and said…“that’s a lot of alcohol you’ve consumed tonight but it’s still not a valid reason for letting your wife drive!”
