This morning I saw an envelope on my doorstep that said: ‘Do Not Bend'. I stood there for ages trying to figure out how to pick it up...
I've just bought a Jehovah's witness advent calendar for next month. Every time I open a door on it, someone tells me to fcuk off.
A husband arrives home and sees his wife washing dishes. He says, "Love, drop everything and let's have sex!" The woman stops washing the dishes and happily begins to undress! He says, "No, not here, baby, let's go to the park across the street and do something crazy for once!" The woman gets excited and without a second thought opens the door and they run to the park across the street! They are undressed and well “engaged” when suddenly a Policeman appears. "What's going on here? Aren't you ashamed? I will fine you for indecent exposure." He says. The husband complains but the Policeman will hear no excuses and proceeds to fine them. A £30 fine for the husband and £100 fine for the lady. "Why £30 for me and £100 for my wife?" asks the husband curiously. The Policeman replies, "Sir, this is your first time..."
I was talking to a sexy red head in the pub last night, wearing a low cut top and short tight skirt and high heels! She said, "Aren't you cold dressed like that?"
I find my Wife really hard work sometimes. For example, at the moment I've got her Tarmacking our Driveway
My grandad was a very modest fella who refused to blow his own trumpet. Lovely man. But his time in the local brass band was understandably short-lived.
My friend spends six months of the year in the Arctic, and the other six months in Antartica. I think he's Bi-Polar......
An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
A Genie granted me one wish so I said I just want to be Happy. Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves & working in a mine.....
Went into hospital recently. The surgeon came to see me and said ‘it’s about time we got the ball rolling’. Which is the last thing you want to hear when you’re having a vasectomy...
I was playing strip poker with the wife earlier and have to admit I was cheating like f*ck. It was the only way I could get her to keep her clothes on.
The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet. "Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested. That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance
I had the roof repaired on my aviary a couple of months back. It’s leaking again, and now it’s getting right on my tits.....
Due to the freezing conditions in the UK the men's British Naturist Society has seen the size of its members shrink dramatically.
