"You should buy some curtains!", my neighbour told me, "Every night I can see you & your wife having sex." "You should buy some new glasses!" I replied, "You'd see that it's your wife."
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night. I'm now in hospital, waiting to be seen...
My brother was a lion tamer. When he went bankrupt they took almost everything… But at least he still has his pride......
If you have a breakdown in an electric car, you can still use the AA. Unless it's a small electric car, then you have to use the AAA.
As I get older, I remember all the places I've been, and the people I've lost along the way. And I think to myself. A career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband please log in to view this image
I always thought my grandad was a war hero. But he was hit by a number 12 bus going to Uxbridge, and was killed in Acton....
Not looking for sympathy. Most of you won’t know this but myself and my wife, over the last month, have had the hardest month we've ever had. It's been one of the most difficult times of our relationship. Some days have been harder than others and many tears have flowed and many nights we've sat and talked and some hard decisions have had to be made. Sadly after a long period of soul searching we have decided with great pain that the end has come. We can't continue any longer with the way things are, it’s not a decision we have taken lightly but it's been born out of necessity. Something had to change. So it’s with great sadness that I announce after so many months of struggling and fighting the inevitable that my wife and I have decided to put the central heating on.
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange," the woman said. "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see," commented the doctor calmly. "That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued. "That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!" "You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said. "You're simply going through the change!".. please log in to view this image please log in to view this image
Did you know that there's a government department that looks after railings. It's called the ministry of de fence....
During the war, my grandfather served as the regimental Christmas tree. He didn’t see any action but he was highly decorated!
Well, just got my first Christmas card through the door today, and it was filled with rice. That’s when I knew it was from Uncle Ben!
