An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"
l found one of my neighbours sobbing her heart out this morning .". please log in to view this image I asked her what was wrong? please log in to view this image She said, "l was on my way to work this morning & about a mile from home my car started overheating, so l walked back home & found my husband in bed with another woman.". please log in to view this image She said,... "I just don’t know what to do." I said, "have you checked the water level in the radiator.
It's amazing to see how time flies. I can still remember when my wife and I were first married and not long after a lovely little chubby creature with bow legs and no teeth who was always dribbling and wetting itself came into our lives and gave us countless sleepless nights!! Nah.....it wasn't a baby.....her MUM came to live with us!!.. please log in to view this image
A man is walking his dog... The dog puts its front paws up onto a wall and starts to pee. A passer-by says, "Well I've never seen a dog do that before. How long has he been doing that?". "Ever since a wall fell on him".
Two Italian men get on a bus, sit down, and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first, den I come, den two asses come together. I come once-a-more, two asses, they come together again, I come again and pee twice, then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady, indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives !" "Hey . . . . coola down, lady" said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa ? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Bought a car back in the 80's from London. The wife asked who from. I said the Kray twins. What reg? She asked. No, I said, Ronnie.
We've been having trouble with one of our lodgers. It started with small things going missing, but the latest thing that was the final straw, he put glue on my antique arms collection. He denied it of course but I'm sticking to my guns........
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible". "1st - Who was born in a stable?" "Shergar" he replied "2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied. "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?" "That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the crap out of them!!"
I'd been seeing this nurse for a few days and we finally got round to sex. As I stripped off I said, "You must have seen a few manhood's where you work, how do you rate mine?" She said, "It's slightly bigger than average." "Thanks." I said, "What sort of nursing do you do anyway?" She said, "I'm a Pediatrician."
Ok, not happy. Just been into TESCO’s and it was nuts, yet again they had no toilet paper at all. Reluctantly i headed to the checkout and ask if they had any more and they said firmly “NO” almost to the point of being rude !!!! Walking back to the toilet with my trousers and pants around my ankles was a walk i never want to have to do again.
An Irishman and his son went to the zoo. A sign says, "Feed the elephant a bun to get your age" Little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stamps it's foot 6 times. "Wow" says the boy, "That's right I am 6, you have a go dad" The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun.... A moment later the elephant farts and stamps twice... "By eck that's right, I am farty two!"
A man told the doctor : "My wife's pregnant, but we haven't had sex in over a year. I don't understand it." The doctor said : "It's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy." "What's a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man. The doctor replied : "Well, somebody's obviously had it in for you please log in to view this image
~NOTE TO ALL PREMATURE CHRISTMAS DECORATORS~ Calm down, Mary hasn’t even told Joseph she’s pregnant yet!
A lad was hunting when a gust of wind blew his rifle over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay . . . . the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "What's the bad news ?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy that left quite a few holes in it, so I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "No . . . .she's a flautist with the London Symphony Orchestra, and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so that you don't pee in your eye."
Just answered a knock on the door. Fella standing there holding a clip board. 'T.V. licencing,' he said, 'You don't seem to have a licence to watch your television. ' I said, 'I do.' So I showed him. He said, ' But this is a photostat copy of last year's.' I said, 'Yes, that's right. All that's on are repeats.'
