I have a couple of albums to listen to tonight. One by The Jam and one by Cream, but I can't decide which to put on first.....
I've just bought a house with a wonderful view of a marina. It's just like the one my dad had in the 70's, yellow with a black vinyl roof
A bloke just knocked on my door and asked if I'd like to contribute to the floods in Pakistan, I said I'd love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of my garden.
A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband “Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.” Husband: Who is Valerie? Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text. Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me? Wife: What??! Where are you? Husband: Near the bakery. Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now! After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message: Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you? Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , buy the bread !
While I was down in Devon on the weekend I went to an archaeology party. They were excavating and searching for a lower leg. It was quite a shindig!
Little known fact there is a Patron Saint of checking bread rolls before removing from the oven. Saint John The Bap Test.
I see Yoko Ono is going into the jungle on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. She'll be good. She's managed to live off a beatle for 30 years….
Police pulls over Paddy for speeding "have you been drinking Sir?" Paddy replies "yes officer i've had about 18 pints, 2 bottles of hooch and 6 bacardi and cokes." Police says "what the hell are you doing driving ??" Paddy replies "I couldn't fu#kin walk''
BBC breaking news: Women can now serve in ALL roles in the Armed Forces. In other news, all reverse gears from British tanks have been removed.
I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came up to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners." I didn't realise at the time but apparently, it was my complimentary nan.
IKEA's football team is playing this afternoon. The manager, Alan Key is expected to line-up with a flatpack four.
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice. "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're playing on Saturday."
Coffee can be deadly. It killed my grandad. He was run over by a Maxwell House van......it was instant.
“So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said: “You've been promoted.” And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said: "You've been promoted again.” And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said: “You're Managing Director.” And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said: “What happened to you?” And I said: “I careered off the road.”
I was really excited when my wife suggested we start having date nights to put the spark back in our relationship. Until I realised she meant together.
