The doctor put my wife on a new pill and now we have sex every night. It's brilliant... It doesn't matter which position we are in, nothing wakes her up!
An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives... The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey" Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife. The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"
Real Madrid are reportedly interested in signing Spurs full back Destiny Udogie in January. They asked chairman Daniel Levy, 'How much is Udogie in the window'?
Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe". Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Great from beginning to end". Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ". Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
Sister Rita was sitting by her convent window one evening as she opened a letter from home: inside the letter was a £50 note from her parents. Sister Rita smiled but as she continued to read the letter by what was left of the last glimmers of daylight coming through her window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamp post in the street below. Quickly she took a piece of paper and wrote, "Don't despair - Sister Rita". She then wrapped the £50 note in it and having got the man's attention, she tossed the wrapped note out of the window to him. The stranger picked it up and read what was on the paper. He looked up, tipped his hat and slowly made his way down the street and into the darkness. Meanwhile, Sister Rita returned to her letter hoping he would use the money wisely. The following day, Sister Rita was told that there was a man at the main door of the convent insisting that he should see her so, she made her way down the stairs to see what the commotion was all about. True enough, she found the stranger, who she had last seen standing in the street, waiting for her. Without a word, he handed her an envelope stuffed full with £50 notes. "What's this?" she asked. "It's your winnings Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at 80-to-1."
Dreadful news Buckinghamshire-based footballer George Baldock has died at the age of just 31. The former Milton Keynes and Oxford United man, who was born in Buckingham, was found unresponsive in a swimming pool at his home Glyfada, Greece on October 9. Whilst no official cause of death has been confirmed, the BBC has reported that the initial coroner’s findings suggested that the right-back had drowned, and that there ‘are no indications of foul play.’ Baldock had spent the last seven years at Sheffield United, three of which were in the Premier League.
So after arguing for an hour with a man who said I was in his seat, he finally said.. “OK, YOU fly the plane”. . please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image
Two old ladies were standing outside their nursing home having a cigarette. When it started to rain one of the ladies went into her bag and brought out a pair of scissors and a condom. She then snipped off the end of the condom with the scissors and slipped it over the cigarette to keep it dry. The other lady thought this was a marvellous idea. So much so, the next day she headed down to the local chemists and asked at the counter for a packet of Durex. The chemist said, “Certainly, madam. What size do you require? Small, medium or large??” .... The lady thought for a second and replied, “Big enough to fit a camel.”
A family of cannibals attended a lovely wedding. The reception was great, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
Bloke tells the tattooist he'd like an Indian tattooed all over his back. He's told it's a big job & will cost but they proceed. After an hour the bloke asks the tattooist if he could make sure the Indian had a Tomahawk in his hand, the tattooist said "no problem, I'll just finish his Turban off first"
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck! The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.” The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “Age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.” BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman. Thrilled by her success the woman says “Genie, I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!” BAM! With a snap of the genie's fingers, the room transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion and her worn out clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels. While she marvelled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly. “You have one wish left.” he thundered. The woman looked up at the genie and said “My cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!” BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had turned into a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamoured by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered... “I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered now”
I've just flown home after a lucky escape. I was climbing in the Himalayas and was Accosted by a Yeti, It forced me to do a thousand Sit Ups and a thousand Stomach Crunches. When I got back to Base and told our Sherpa, he said, " Ah Yes, That'll be the Abdominal Snowman".
I offered Bonnie Tyler a Twix, but she refused it. I offered her a Mars Bar, then a Yorkie and finally a Bounty, but she kept saying NO! I think she was holding out for an Aero...
