A pirate goes to his doctor and says (do this with your best pirate voice) “Doctor, I’ve got these lumps on my arm”. The doctor spends a few minutes looking at them before saying “Don’t worry, they’re benign”. The pirate goes quiet for a few moments before saying “Benign you say? This morning there only be eight!”
Earth, Wind and Fire are an excellent band but I can't help thinking that they would have been more successful if they had sold home insurance.
Can someone please explain Chelsea’s business model to me? I’m so confused, spending billions and having too many players for your squad seems weird. Also selling all your English players again seems odd. What are they doing?
I got chatting to a bird down the pub last night. She said, "So what do you work as?" "It's a very important job," I said. "I have to finalise deals in the transfer window." "Wow, a football agent?" she asked. "No," I replied. "I work in the drive thru at McDonald's."
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY.' Wong Chow calls into work and says, 'I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work..' The boss says, 'You know something, WongChow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.' Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great... I be at work soon.....You got nice house.'
My wife bought me a Sat Nav for Christmas. It comes with celebrity voices and is amazing. Trouble is, Mr T won't go anywhere near the airport, Bonnie Tyler keeps telling me to turn around, Bon Jovi just constantly insists we are half way there and when I select Bono all the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
I’ve just ordered my son the board game “Operation” for Christmas please log in to view this image as there’s a 3 month waiting list.
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5." The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess club. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah." Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped: "They won't let me in without a bloody tie!”
During my wife's labour, the nurse came up to me and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" I said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name."
My mates wife has left him, all because of his fetish of touching pasta. He's feeling Canneloni right now.
I was telling my mate about how uncomfortable the buses are. he said “Oh, did you come on the bus, then?” I said “well, I did, but I made it look like an asthma attack!”
INSTRUCTOR: "Can you read that car number plate from here?" ME: "Yes I can, now will you PLEASE open our PARACHUTE!"
