My mate rang me and said "Meet me at the Vinyl Shop in 45". I made it there in 33, which was Record Speed.
I fell in love with a girl from the soft drinks factory. But, she only wants a cordial relationship........
A Geordie lass went to the hairdresser, and asked for a perm... The hairdresser replied....”I wandered lernly as a clood”.......
Went in the butchers this morning, and asked for some tripe. He gave me a DVD box set of Love Island.....
I was having an argument in Nando's, when the waiter came over and took my coleslaw and spicy rice away. I wish he'd stop taking sides.....
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us. Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................ NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN !!!
I was telling my mate that my wife has a weird habit of licking my balls. He said, " That's not weird. I wish my wife would do that." I said, " I didn't know that you played golf."
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
A woman's dog came in to heat and she was concerned about keeping it and her male dog separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw. "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me." the vet replied.
AN IRISHMAN GOES TO THE DOCTOR WITH BOTTY PROBLEMS.. 'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'. So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. 'Incredible', he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.' Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. 'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?' 'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..... Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear. 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?' The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.' 'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman 'I KNEW I WASN'T FEELING TWO GRAND
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
