My wife asked me if she had any annoying habits. She got really annoyed in the middle of the power point presentation.
I suppose I’m in the minority but I always lick the knife when I’m finished. None of the other surgeons seem to do it.
Just been to the doctors he said what’s up? I said I keep seeing into the future, he said when did this start? I said next Friday
Little April Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God almighty!" shouted April. The teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted April. The teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that blo*dy thing in me one more time, I'll break it in two and stick it where the sun don't shine!" The teacher decided it would be best to not ask April any more questions.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200 !"
Mother, father, and son were having dinner, and the son wouldn't eat his sprouts. Mother said, "Son, eat your sprouts," but the son refused. Father leaned over and whispered in the boy's ear. The boy quickly ate his sprouts and went to his room. The mother asked, "What did you say to him?" Father replied, "I told him his willy wouldn't grow any bigger if he didn't eat them!" The mother slapped the father around the head. He asked, "What was that for?" She replied, "For not eating your sprouts when you were a child."
I was at a job interview this morning when the manager handed me a laptop and said: "I want you to try to sell this to me." So l put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: "Bring my laptop back now." I said: "£300 and it's yours."
Girlfriend asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. I have, but now I can't read anything.......
Decided to invest in my local apple pie shop, not too sure on profit margins but the turnover looks good
As kids we used to throw scrabble tiles at each other, until our mum shouted "stop it before someone loses an i "
Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window. Bloody toot and car moon!
Paddy walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the son asks, “What’s are these, Dad?” To which Paddy matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh I see,” replied the son pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?” Paddy replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the son. He notices a 6-pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” Paddy answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the son. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, Paddy replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
The RSPB today announced its commitment to studying the effects of cannabis on seabirds. Vowing to leave no tern unstoned.
Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time... Got outside, she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds....
As I lay there gazing at the heavens and contemplating the infinite mysteries of the cosmos, I couldn't help but wonder... Where the f*ck had my tent gone!
It's only my first week in this prison and I've already been bummed three times in the shower.... I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a prison guard!
Dear Labour, It's a good job you found the money for the junior doctors because they are going to be busy treating pensioners with pneumonia and hypothermia this winter. Yours truly, Not a Millionaire pensioner.
