I saw Michael J Fox at a Garden Party last week. I could tell it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.
My friend told me today ‘I’ve got a new girlfriend but the trouble is that she is sex mad. She wants to make love morning, noon and night, what on earth can I do to stop it? I said ‘Marry her’
A man was arrested yesterday after he fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it !!! He's due to be bailed tomorrow !!
Just started a boat making business in my loft and it's doing really well.... Sails have gone through the roof....
I came home yesterday to find that my daughter had arranged five bottles of pro biotic yoghurt to form a pentagram on her bedroom floor. I’m worried that she’s been dabbling with the yakult .
A woman is cheated on by her husband. She's devastated. She hears that there's a wise monk who lives up in a mountain. She decides to consult him. After a few days of travelling, she meets the wise monk. "I spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to taking care of him. And now he has left me for another woman. I don't know what to do". The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious? "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure". The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?" The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. *"I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever. Everything is finite. We should be aware of this and not be disappointed.” The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean stop eating biscuits you fat cow
Hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas ? He said it was the most violent book he had ever read.......
I have been training my dog to fetch tools from my workshop. He may not be perfect but he knows the drill.
I keep having a recurring dream that I’m a horse please log in to view this image That’s 5 nights on the trot now!
If Elton John thinks "Sorry" is the hardest word he wants to try saying Llanfairpwllgwyllgorndrobwillantysiliohogogoch
I was having dinner with a Chess champion. The tablecloth was black and white checks. It took him two hours to pass the salt.
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in mouth and somehow swallowed it whole. The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball." The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out ,and ate them!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to s*it out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
I saw Bonnie Tyler in the street today and offered her a Kit-Kat ..but she turned it down. Then I pulled out a Bounty bar...and she refused that also..... I think she was holding out for an Aero.
This Friday Scotland play Germany at a 66,000 seated stadium. At the moment 33,000 seats have towels on them........
