What day of the week is it thread

I started doing some impressions of old TV detectives in the pub last night.
Telly Savalas aka Kojak, “Who loves ya baby?”
Peter Falk aka Colombo, "Just one more thing.”
Humphrey Bogart, “Play it again Sam.”
After a couple of others I noticed a young lady taking a lot of interest and asked her, “Would you like to see my Dick Tracy?”
She said, “Yes please, but my names not Tracy!”

 

I was watching Countdown earlier, Rachel Riley was in a very short skirt.
I got aroused.
Only seven letters, but not bad for a first attempt.

 

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After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on the Men's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become

 

Someone shouted BNAG at me in the street!

That's bang out of order....

 

Bit strange.

A shop that sells prosthetic limbs was raided by an unarmed gang.

 

My wife sent me a text last week:

'When you get home from work I'm going to strip naked and do a sexy dance for you'

So far I have accumulated 94 hours overtime.....

 

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"

She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"

 

A guy goes into a brothel..
Says to the Madame, "I want something kinky!"
So she takes him to a room with a bare wood floor, and a tiny light bulb hanging on a string. In the middle is a milk crate with a chicken sitting on it.
Guy says, "Are you serious?"
Madame says, "You've already paid. I don't care what you do. Take it or leave it.
So he decides to go for it. He has a great time. The bird is clucking, flapping its wings, flailing its legs and the guy is loving it.
He goes back a few days later and asks for the same.
Madame says, "That room is booked solid today, but I have something else you'll like."
She takes him to a room where there's a bunch of people sitting around a two way mirror. On the other side of it is a huge lesbian orgy, with whips, chains, shaving cream and toys everywhere.
Guy sits down and says, "Wow this is amazing!"
Old man next to him replies, "You think this is amazing? Last week there was a guy in there ****ing a chicken!"

 

My wife called and said "I want to find you naked when I get home from work"

I'll be honest, I feel a bit awkward sat here with her mother.....

 

A fella stopped me in the town this morning wanting to put an end to ivory hunting.

I said to him “I have no opinion on it” and tried to walk away.

He then asked, “But would you endorse it??”

I said, “They don’t have elephants in Dorset!!”

 

My girlfriend has left me because she says I'm so old fashioned.

I'll wager a shilling she's courting a chap who's a scoundrel....

 

I now identify as both an apple and a pear.

Yes, I’m non-bananary.....

 

I asked singer Elkie Brooks if I could guess the name of her dog.

She said "Okay-but you're a fool if you think its Rover"

 

My wife is leaving me because she says I'm obsessed with supermarkets.

I asked if she wanted any help packing her bags......

 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business .
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
Ruled by a pair of nuts!

 

This trend of idiot fans running onto the football pitches has to stop.

It's only going to be a matter of time until someone does it at Old Trafford and gets man of the match......

 

Today I finally passed my driving test. I'm delighted.

Now I can go dogging.

Without my parents having to give me a lift!!.