When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone..' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die! Why ??? OH, come on... Take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You're going to love this !!! Everyone knows.. You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone !!!
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard. The man goes to the yard and sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the back yard."
A Glaswegian to on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a long day on the slopes he goes into the bar at his hotel. After 6 double whiskeys he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He says to the barman "What the hell is that?" The barman says "It's a moose" The Glaswegian says "Well bugger me How big are the cats?"
One day a lady came home and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
I lost both of my ears in an accident - ended up getting transplants from a pig. I can hear much better now, except for the strange crackling.
This young Cowboy in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young Cowboy walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young Cowboy. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Definitely," said the old man. The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man. The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young Cowboy didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much!"
Little Johnny arrives home to find mum and dad having sex on the sofa. Dad says 'don't worry son I'm just filling mummy with petrol!' Little Johnny replies 'She doesn't do many miles to the gallon does she dad, uncle Dave only filled her up this morning & he had a bigger nozzle than you!'
A blind man went to a restaurant. menu sir? asked the owner. I’m blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left.! Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favour and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, bloody hell! I never knew Brenda worked here............
I was feeling a bit poorly, so I went to the doctor. After examining me, he said I'm not sure what it is, it might be alcohol. I said, In that case I'll come back when you're sober!
Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe". Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Great from beginning to end". Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ". Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
A Lawyer Named Strange A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
4 men sit anxiously outside the maternity unit ... ... as they await news on their wives' who are having babies The English one says, "My first son was born on St George's Day, so I named him George." The Scotsman added, "My first son was born on St Andrew's Day, and I decided to name him Andrew." The Welshman said, "My boy was born on St David's Day, and I just had to call him David!" The Irishman spoke up, "Ah, sure, it was just the same with our Pancake!"
Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.' The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.' After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club'.
I was driving a bit lively to work this morning when I was stopped by a traffic cop. He said “You were going a bit fast sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mister Fog” Me being me said “I would have trod on Mister Brake of course” He said “I will repeat the question sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mist or Fog”
Real Madrid are reportedly interested in signing Spurs full back Destiny Udogie in July. They asked chairman Daniel Levy, 'How much is Udogie in the window'?
My wife can't remember her password she created yesterday, but remembers what I said, on June 12, 2015 at 1:47PM.
