A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below. He thought, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind." "Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly ... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?” “Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies. The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?” “It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?” The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat moans, “Ohhh God... they got my girlfriend too!!!”
Was told that after a vasectomy I wouldn't have kids anymore. But when I got home they were still there......
I'll never forget the time I had to do P.E in my underpants at school after forgetting my kit. It ended my teaching career.....
I had a nasty surprise when I just walked in on my new Thai girlfriend baking me a cake in just her underwear !! Spotted Dick.!!
"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash." "That's a bit harsh," he replied. "They don't f*ck around at Air Traffic Control," I said.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." "Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband. His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, She's not my wife! She's not my wife! She's not my wife!" His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
I've been trying to break up with an Optician recently....it's really awkward. Every time I tell her I can't see her anymore she moves an inch closer and says: "How about now?"
Before I was born, my father apparently got a sign from God who asked him “Do you want your son to have a big willy or do you want him to have good grammar?” I think he decided to opt for what he thought was more importanter.
An Indian man has been arrested today in Cheltenham for assaulting his wife. Mr Chinda Goodnpropa has denied all the charges.
SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED Sipping her drink, the SINGLE girl leered and said "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!" The ENGAGED woman giggled and said "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto heels. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!" The MARRIED woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, "Hey, Batman, What's for dinner?"
Just failed my biology exam again! The question was name something found in cells. Apparently Scousers was the wrong answer.
People said I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because of my dyslexia! They were wrong! So far I’ve made two lovely vases and a jug....
