What day of the week is it thread

I went to Mothercare this morning and asked for a maternity dress.

The assistant said “What bust?”

I said “ The condom”

 

A toff staying at the Ritz hotel in London gets a card offering female companionship and sexual favours pushed under his hotel door.
Having been alone for a number of months he decided to ring the number on the card.
A lady with a very soft voice asks if she can be of any help. The toff then says to her that he’s staying in the Ritz and that he would like her to visit his room stating he would pay her well if she gave him the very best time.
She replied saying he sounded very nice and thanking him for the offer but advised him that he needed to dial 9 for an outside line when wanting to make a phone call.

 

I'm old enough to remember the worst Winters we've ever had in the UK.

Mike and Bernie........

 

The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the Tax Office. The Taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his Accountant. The Taxman said, ‘Well, Sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the tax office finds that believable.’ ‘I’m a great Gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about I give you a demonstration?’ The Taxman thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay, Go ahead.’ Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.’ The Taxman thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’ Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The Taxman’s jaw drops! Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.’ Now the Taxman can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his false teeth and bites his good eye. The stunned Taxman now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s Accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous. ‘Want to go double or nothing?’, Grandpa asks? ‘I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on this side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’ The Taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old man could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pees all over the Taxman’s desk. The Taxman leaps to his feet with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own Accountant moans loudly and puts his head in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’, the Taxman asks. ‘Not really,’ says the Accountant. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

 

I once asked a farmer how many sheep he had.

He said he didn't know, because every time he started counting them he fell asleep..........

 

I got really worried when I noticed random items on my bank statement:
A bicycle horn,
A huge plastic flower,
A pair of size 80 shoes.

So I called my bank and it looks like my card's been 'clowned.'

 

Young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they met in a pub.
He is stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.
You lying sod!" she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

 

I don't normally brag about my expensive trips.

But I just got home from the vets.......

 

I asked my voice activated mobile phone about tomorrow's weather..... I said surely it's not going to rain tomorrow?

It replied.... it is going to rain tomorrow.......and don't call me Shirley.

I looked at my phone in amazement and then realised I'd left it in Airplane mode......

 

Charley, a new retired-greeter at B&Q, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-on job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”.
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”.
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, “They usually saluted and said, “Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?

 

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "S---, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "S---, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "S---, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"S---, I missed."

 

I finally got my organ donor card.

So one of you lucky people will be getting a Yamaha keyboard with a broken harmonica function.

 

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

 

The three things I was really bad at in school was inglish and maths.

 

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.....

 

A lorry load of snooker equipment has gone over on the A14.

There are now cues in every direction!