A volunteer charity worker in a small mid-Western town, finds out that a wealthy Jewish lawyer, in the town, had never made a charitable donation. So he goes to see him. He says, "You're the richest man in town, you make over $2 million a year, but you've never made a donation to our town charity. Don't you want to help others and be part of the community ?" The lawyer replies by saying, "It's true that I've never contributed to your charity, but did you also know that my mother is dying of cancer and has no-one to take care of her ? " "No" admitted the charity worker "Well, did you also know that my younger brother has a birth defect that confines him to a wheelchair, and in need of 24 hour care ?", continues the lawyer. "No, I didn't" says the charity worker sheepishly. "And did you also know that my sister lost her husband in a car accident, two years age, leaving her and her four children, with no means of support ?" finished the lawyer. "No, I didn't know any of that", says the charity worker. "Well" says the lawyer, "If I won't help them, why do you think I'd help y'all ?"
I own a pencil that was once owned by William Shakespeare. But he chewed it a lot, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B?
Walked into a pub in Plymouth and all the locals went quiet and gave me funny looks. So I ordered a pint and the barman said "your not from round here" "No" I replied "im a taxidermist from Rhyl" "Whats a taxidermist???"he asked "I mount animals" "Its ok lads he's one of us" said the barman !!!
Watched an episode of Australian masterchef where this guy made a meringue and everybody cheered... Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought in Australia they boo meringue!
In a significant leap forward for quantum nanophotonics, a team of European and Israeli physicists, introduces a new type of polaritonic cavities and redefines the limits of light confinement. This pioneering work, detailed in a study published today in Nature Materials, demonstrates an unconventional method to confine photons, overcoming the traditional limitations in nanophotonics. The key lies in the use of hyperbolic-phonon-polaritons, unique electromagnetic excitations occurring in the 2D material forming the cavity. That's what I told them anyway
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??" Englishman "Of course." Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The Englishman listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??" Englishman: "Of Course." Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England ." After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?" Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk. Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course." Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."
2 people are in hospital after eating Lasagne containing 100% Horse Meat. They are said to be in a stable condition.
I just saw this fella going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet. I thought: “He’s pushing his luck!”
Men! If your still struggling to find your loved one something special for Valentines? Aldi have reduced the price of their ironing boards, you’ll find them in the middle aisle!
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?”
Took my nan to a fish spa where the little fish eat the dead skin. Took ages and cost £75 But it was still a lot cheaper than a funeral…
