My Grandson said that he got 19 out of 20 in his spelling exam. I said..."That's good, what word did you spell incorrectly"? He replied... "Armageddon". I told him..."Well its not the end of the world".
I said to my wife..”If you could have sex with one celebrity dead or alive, which would it be?” She said.. “alive!”
Jack who is retired, went to his church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the Priest opened the panel in the confessional box, Jack said - Father, during World War 2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy, so I hid her in my attic. Th Priest replied - that was a wonderful thing you did my son, you have no need to confess. Its worse than that Father, she quickly started to repay me with sexual favours. People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn’t under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions you are forgiven. Thank you Father, that's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question - should I tell her that the War is over?..
An African Bloke walked into my pub holding a bucket this afternoon. He handed me the bucket and said: "can you fill this up with water?" I said: "God sake how many miles have you walked for this?" He said: "None. you cheeky git I'm the window cleaner."
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
