A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far away and would walk home. On the way home he stopped at the shops and bought a bucket and gallon of paint. He then called at a friends farm and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home? While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 16 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that address. I'd walk you there if I didn't have this lot to carry." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk her home. On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked at him cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Hang on a minute lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How on earth could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Well put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
My wife got herself a rampant rabbit. I wouldn’t say it’s her favourite sex toy but it’s definitely up there Those 3 from the horse racing forum
I just saw Cat Steven’s sitting down, crying next to his camper van. I said “What’s the matter Cat ?” He said “Awning has broken”
I was bored so l swapped all the sweets into different wrappers. My wife isn't amused .. she got her Snickers in a Twix.
It's my wife's birthday today, last week when I asked her what she wanted. She said "Take me somewhere expensive". We've just got back from the petrol station....
I said to the missus...."I've just been chatting to the postman, and he's bragging that he has been to bed with every woman on our street except one". She replied..."I bet it's that snotty cow at No 27".
I needed to move the van this morning but when I turned the key I just couldn't get it started. I lifted the bonnet and there was a bat lying there on the engine. It turned and said to me "Hello there handsome my what a good looking bloke you are" I could see the problem immediately. Bat flattery....
I remember when I was at school, the teacher asked the class to describe any 'Collective Nouns'. Mary raised her hand and said... "A herd of cows". The teacher said... "Very good Mary". James then raised his hand... "A flock of sheep miss". The teacher said... "Very good James". Susan then said... "A gaggle of geese miss". The teacher said... "Brilliant Susan". The teacher said... "What about you David, can you think of a collective noun that's better than the others? I said..."Yes miss, a dose of crabs".
When I was young, we were so poor, my mum went round and closed all the doors on Christmas Eve just so we'd have something to open on Christmas Day....
